Healing

Hello Lovelies! This morning my mind is on my schedule, as one would expect it to be on a Monday. BUT I'm not thinking about time in a regimented, linear way, like the majority of people I know. Since I was an infant, spending the first 3 months of my life in an incubator in a hospital, I've been DYS-regulated; my schedule has been to eat and sleep and be productive whenever I felt the time had come:) This makes it particularly difficult as (technically) an adult. I can hardly call myself "part of normal society--" at least not for many, many years. Until my late 30s, I stuck to my non-routine. I ate and slept and worked as I saw fit, and took pains not to worry about what other people, particularly my peers, were doing. I hated the question "what fills your day?" There was no good answer. I had no set schedule at all. If I thought about it too long, I'd end up getting down on myself for not being at a certain life stage, or having accomplished a certain number of goals, in spite of all the brain surgeries, therapy, and related trauma I've ALSO had to contend with until fairly recently, only JUST beccoming self-aware enough to begin cognitive behavioral therapy aimed at tackling my myriad issues. And THAT has led to unexplored territory. Not just to do with what I've endured/conquering the spectres of my past. But also with regard to finally, finally forming a sleep schedule that resembles that of "normal" people! I put "normal" in quotes because I personally don't believe that the traditional concept of normalcy exists. No one is entirely without something that makes them unique/challenges them against their will. And if you are, or think you are--it's my belief that you're lying to yourself. To be fair, I still can't quite make myself go to bed at a decent hour. I dread turning off the lights and getting into bed and being vulnerable:( This is a residual trauma response from ten years ago when Michael died and I was perpetually afraid of a break-in. I used to lie in bed until 4 or 5 in the morning straining to hear someone opening a door or sliding open a window. Worse, jangling keys. Thank goodness I had friends on the west coast then, seemingly bright-eyed and bushy-taled even in the middle of the night their time, who would talk me down from my paranoia so I didn't feel as alone. Fortunately the fear is finally gone. Indeed I chuckle at some of my older friends who seem so afraid of the safe, isolated world we live in. Compared to the "I Am Legend"-esque dystopic vibrations I felt constantly while living just a few minutes away in the city, the "dangers" here seem entirely imagined. But I don't deny that their fears are valid enough to them. I just don't worry about it in the same way at all. So now my body is finally beginning to feal at ease as well. I sleep! And I get up in the morning! A nap almost ALWAYS happens in the afternoon, which is another reason I stay up late, I'm sure. But one thing at a time. At LEAST I've gotten over the first hurdle. I thought I never would. I thought I was doomed to be a vampire my entire life, living in darkness and sleeping my days away while the computer saw to my financial responsibilities. I had begun to make peace with the inevitability that THAT was life. And I kind of hated myself for it:( But all I had to do was wait it out. The mind really DOES control the body! I focused on making that better, and everything else fell in line. It's a revelation! I honestly didn't believe that I worked that way. Negative self-talk, low self-esteem, and the way I had entirely inverted my body's rhythms had me CONVINCED I was beyond repair:( How amazing, and what a relief it is to discover that life self-regulates once I find peace.