Open Wounds
Surprising Myself With Vulnerability
Hello Lovelies!
This isn't exactly a disability or even a definable impairment. But it is something that I find challenging--interpersonal relating:) Luckily for me, and much to my surprise, a lot of people join me in this predicament. It doesn't come easy. I thought I'd share some of my observations, in hopes that we could all learn something. First, a visual:
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This makes it ever so difficult to get over that awkward talking phase with anyone, unless I rush ahead and ask or state the weird question, which shoves the conversation into a deeper connection--if the other person isn't scared off. By an absolute miracle, some people I've talked to haven't been scared away by my awkward push into the deep end of a relationship, and those people are my most treasured friends. But it doesn't happen all the time. Most often, as I would absolutely expect in my self-sabotaging experience--the target of my awkwardness runs screaming in the opposite direction:) How do I handle coming at life with this kind of self-fulfilling prophecy of a relationship's doom?
It's an ever-evolving healing process. I learn something new every day. These days I'm learning to be more direct about my own thoughts, wants, needs and observations, which has helped immeasurably. But like the sun, if a relationship even begins to show signs that it might develop into something real, I run away in fear. Even though I am making progress, I am terribly afraid that my trauma and pain will somehow become theirs, and that is the very last thing I want. Because I cannot handle the idea that I could become their trauma--I head for the hills. Easier to be lonely and abandoned by choice than to have it happen knowing it might have been something I said. Or refused to.
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