Highs and Lows

 Good Morning, Lovelies!

    My insomnia and the fact that I am far behind in sharing this story have inspired me to end my long silence. And I'm sure the black coffee I'm pretending to enjoy (I hate black coffee) is adding a little boldness to my heretofore speechless indignation.

    Allow me to set the scene. Three or four weeks ago now, on a Sunday, I was enjoying myself with the usual group of friends who take me to their church and then treat me to lunch. One of said friends and I were in the elevator going up to the apartment home where lunch would be, just minding our own business and looking pretty normal except I had my walker.

    Then I was reminded of one of the things I'm most grateful I no longer have to deal with in my current situation-- you never know who'll be sharing the elevator with you or how they will greet you. Sometimes when I lived in a downtown building, just keeping your mouth shut in those situations was a matter of course, and it was very rare to even hear somebody's voice along with my own in the elevator.

    To their own obvious disadvantage, a lot of people these days were too young at the start of the Pandemic to have had much social exposure before being shut up inside. Now they have to muddle through communication gracelessly, and I do feel bad for their trouble. But not terrible. One of the two who joined me and my friend in the elevator didn't even lead up to it. Not even so much as "hey" was offered before he blurted out "what happened to you?" My lovelies, I was triggered.

    What came to mind immediately was my recent blog entry where I spelled it out for my (admittedly small) audience: "imagine being asked [what happened to you] and having to answer 'I was born.'"

    Well I'm sure there are some who keep their cool, who can laugh it off or otherwise thoughtfully explain to Junior why it's extremely rude to start a conversation that way. From there a bigger person could just quietly ignore the affront and go about her Sunday as if nothing had ever happened. I have not ascended to that level of self-control:)

    I looked up at the number panel above the elevator door and asked myself if I was going to choose violence. And I was so annoyed that this guy had chosen to make his remark in front of the friend who would now see me react unkindly. But that didn't stop me. Meeting the other guy's eyes so he could see the one of mine that turns in, which he hadn't even noticed when he got in, I gave my line through gritted teeth. It felt like I was growing fangs. All I could think of to say was "I was born."

    The air in that elevator felt like it had been vacuumed out. You could have heard a butterfly's wings flapping. I tried to get out of that damn elevator a floor or two early, still so fired up I wasn't thinking clearly. I couldn't believe that exactly the scenario I had described in my blog had happened to me. Of course that only proves that it happens far too often. There is no sensitivity in our interactions anymore. No caution, no respect for others' varying situations. You would think that the sight of someone already struggling with something you can't identify would cause you to keep your mouth shut.

    But symptomatic of the world today-- rudeness prevails. Testament to the fact that our society simply cannot get used to the sight of disabled people out in public-- rudeness prevails. I admit that this event and others like it have made me very reluctant to leave my home this month. I do if I must, but for the most part, I'm keeping delivery services in business. Dealing with ignorance is so psychologically draining, my whole body is exhausted.

    Maybe that explains the insomnia, come to think of it. I sleep whenever I feel the need, which is often, and therefore don't have much of a regulated schedule like I'm supposed to. Even just talking to well-meaning neighbors can be tiring.  I'm sure they have questions too, but to their immense credit, they have the discretion to keep quiet about them until I offer up the information.

    Some I've talked to about my elevator experience did come to the young man's defense. They pointed out that Covid set us all back on learning how to talk to people, which I understand. And I have the self-awareness to sympathize with those people. The problem is their complete lack of sympathy; why should I meet them with more than they are willing to give me.

    Rude of me, I guess, saying that. But when something hurts, it is becoming less and less possible for me to ignore it. And ignorance has always hurt me to the core. At the very least, I hope that the awkwardness of this interaction caused our guy just enough embarrassment that he will be a touch more considerate the next time he sees a walker.