Revivng Amelia
Hello!
It feels like a life time since I stopped adding to My Small Splendid Wedding. Having been to St. Cecelia's Music Center to volunteer since Micheal's death, I can say that is seems like a life time since I was planning to get married there. What a difference two years make.
So many, many things have happened. I don't even know where I can begin. Life was very strange for a while. Now finally it seems to have settled into something like a normal rhythm, as winter and Micheal's favorite holiday, Christmas, approach again. I've heard many times that once you begin to look forward to the holidays again, you know the worst of your grief is over--and I do, so I think it must be. Of course I will always, always mourn him and the life we might have had together. How simple and beautiful it might have been...but that was not in the cards.
One thing I've realized, somewhat grudgingly, is that much of that life would have been devoted to keeping just one of us happy, while putting the other's true desires aside, however willingly. For any relationship--short term or eternal--to work, both parties have to be completely devoted to making each other happy. Whatever I would have had to sacrifice or ignore, I would not have thought twice about losing; it was the life I had chosen. But eventually it might have begun to wear on me, and Micheal would have been so frustrated not to be able to give me everything I wanted from life.
With this new realization and others like it, I've discovered that I can make my life into exactly what I want it to be now, and I've spent all of my time doing that. I've gone out and explored Grand Rapids with a more attentive eye, and met a lot of amazing people who make my life more fun and exciting every day.
To my surprise my priorities as far as friends have also changed, and I think it started with meeting Micheal's wonderful family and friends in California. True friends inspire you as much as you inspire them, and care about you as much, too. It doesn't matter how close they are geographically; the point is support, and my new friends shower me with that. As undeserving as I sometimes feel, they are happy to do it, whether it's one of my "rock star" neighbors checking in on my wonderful dogs while I'm away, or somebody sending me a Face Book message from across thousands of miles, just to warm my heart, they're happy to do it.
I've been amazingly lucky in so many things, which I think is the least the Universe could do, although I don't regret anything; I've made peace with the past. I'm sure part of what's brought that on is getting on with my own life, pressing the "reset" button, so to speak. Things definitely look differently than they used to, but it's a thrill. The blessing and the curse of this life is that it just keeps on going, if you have the courage to follow. If you'd asked me two years ago, living in the apartments and completely consumed with my new role as a fiance--whether I could ever imagine a life where I alone was responsible for my happiness, I would have told you "never"--and probably thrown in an expletive to make my point:) But another thing I've learned is that life frequently surprises us! And with that always in mind, I've begun again.
It feels like a life time since I stopped adding to My Small Splendid Wedding. Having been to St. Cecelia's Music Center to volunteer since Micheal's death, I can say that is seems like a life time since I was planning to get married there. What a difference two years make.
So many, many things have happened. I don't even know where I can begin. Life was very strange for a while. Now finally it seems to have settled into something like a normal rhythm, as winter and Micheal's favorite holiday, Christmas, approach again. I've heard many times that once you begin to look forward to the holidays again, you know the worst of your grief is over--and I do, so I think it must be. Of course I will always, always mourn him and the life we might have had together. How simple and beautiful it might have been...but that was not in the cards.
One thing I've realized, somewhat grudgingly, is that much of that life would have been devoted to keeping just one of us happy, while putting the other's true desires aside, however willingly. For any relationship--short term or eternal--to work, both parties have to be completely devoted to making each other happy. Whatever I would have had to sacrifice or ignore, I would not have thought twice about losing; it was the life I had chosen. But eventually it might have begun to wear on me, and Micheal would have been so frustrated not to be able to give me everything I wanted from life.
With this new realization and others like it, I've discovered that I can make my life into exactly what I want it to be now, and I've spent all of my time doing that. I've gone out and explored Grand Rapids with a more attentive eye, and met a lot of amazing people who make my life more fun and exciting every day.
To my surprise my priorities as far as friends have also changed, and I think it started with meeting Micheal's wonderful family and friends in California. True friends inspire you as much as you inspire them, and care about you as much, too. It doesn't matter how close they are geographically; the point is support, and my new friends shower me with that. As undeserving as I sometimes feel, they are happy to do it, whether it's one of my "rock star" neighbors checking in on my wonderful dogs while I'm away, or somebody sending me a Face Book message from across thousands of miles, just to warm my heart, they're happy to do it.
I've been amazingly lucky in so many things, which I think is the least the Universe could do, although I don't regret anything; I've made peace with the past. I'm sure part of what's brought that on is getting on with my own life, pressing the "reset" button, so to speak. Things definitely look differently than they used to, but it's a thrill. The blessing and the curse of this life is that it just keeps on going, if you have the courage to follow. If you'd asked me two years ago, living in the apartments and completely consumed with my new role as a fiance--whether I could ever imagine a life where I alone was responsible for my happiness, I would have told you "never"--and probably thrown in an expletive to make my point:) But another thing I've learned is that life frequently surprises us! And with that always in mind, I've begun again.
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