What Happens?
Today has been another happy and sad day. There was a time, talking to Mikel's brother, when I thought "I could burst into tears standing alone in an empty room." It wouldn't have taken any encouragement. And often I still feel like that. It's only been about two and a half months, after all. I can't believe it myself, but the inches of time that have passed actually amount to something measurable.
Something new and interesting has developed. I find myself watching movies like Titanic and My Best Friend's Wedding to make myself cry...nothing else seems to do the trick:( And since sorrow is a chest-weighing, soul-crushing kind of emotion, I want to make myself cry just to get it out of me. I fall apart in the first strains of "Nearer My God to Thee," Heaven knows. And I wonder every single time I hear the Irish woman telling her children a bedtime story about the land of Tir Na Nog of my Mikel is there...he believed in the Irish mythology so strongly.
But mostly I watch those movies because nothing else is powerful enough to make me cry. With everything else, I can force my emotions to the back of my mind or turn my heart cold and pretend that I don't care as much as I do. But of course I wonder.
Where is my Mikel now? As much as I talk to him, in the morning when I get up or in the kitchen making dinner, does he ever actually look in on me, or am I just comforting myself? A little part of me knows I won't have any real answers until I die, and I see him again. Then Mikel can tell me the answers to all the questions I ever had about why he died or how or when, when he sees me again. Until then I'll just have to live with the not knowing, like everyone else.
I don't want to believe it, but maybe that's why some philosophers say life of Earth is Hell, and death is Heaven. Life is uncertainty, death is the answer to our searching:(
After that sentence I cried for twenty minutes. Mikel's eyes were watching me from the picture, but I couldn't stop. Now I'm absolutely exhausted. There are no more tears left in my heart tonight. Maybe I will see him in a dream?!The last night of my stay in California I saw him for the first time since he died...just his eyes, and knowing he was with me....maybe tonight I will be so lucky.
Something new and interesting has developed. I find myself watching movies like Titanic and My Best Friend's Wedding to make myself cry...nothing else seems to do the trick:( And since sorrow is a chest-weighing, soul-crushing kind of emotion, I want to make myself cry just to get it out of me. I fall apart in the first strains of "Nearer My God to Thee," Heaven knows. And I wonder every single time I hear the Irish woman telling her children a bedtime story about the land of Tir Na Nog of my Mikel is there...he believed in the Irish mythology so strongly.
But mostly I watch those movies because nothing else is powerful enough to make me cry. With everything else, I can force my emotions to the back of my mind or turn my heart cold and pretend that I don't care as much as I do. But of course I wonder.
Where is my Mikel now? As much as I talk to him, in the morning when I get up or in the kitchen making dinner, does he ever actually look in on me, or am I just comforting myself? A little part of me knows I won't have any real answers until I die, and I see him again. Then Mikel can tell me the answers to all the questions I ever had about why he died or how or when, when he sees me again. Until then I'll just have to live with the not knowing, like everyone else.
I don't want to believe it, but maybe that's why some philosophers say life of Earth is Hell, and death is Heaven. Life is uncertainty, death is the answer to our searching:(
After that sentence I cried for twenty minutes. Mikel's eyes were watching me from the picture, but I couldn't stop. Now I'm absolutely exhausted. There are no more tears left in my heart tonight. Maybe I will see him in a dream?!The last night of my stay in California I saw him for the first time since he died...just his eyes, and knowing he was with me....maybe tonight I will be so lucky.
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