Found Miracle

For a few years now, I've grown more and more disappointed with myself. Dissatisfied with my life. Unhappy. What is that? What reason have I to feel that way? Well anybody can feel sorry for himself; it's the human condition, I'm afraid. But the thing I realize is that with all the comparing I do of my life to other people's, I should realize more vividly how much I have to be THANKFUL for, not how much I don't have. I mean, maybe that sounds trite, or whatever, but honestly, I've been extremely lucky/fortunate/blessed since I finally got out of my youth. Others might pine for their "lost youth"--to me it wasn't a loss, so much as a release. I haven't suffered the symptoms of a Hydrocephalic (praise God) since my mid-late 20s. I've had some inconvenience centering around using a walker for balance because of my Cerebral Palsy, but in the grand scheme of my life, I've barely even registered any of those "inconveniences" as such. I mean, at least I'm alive. I'm relatively healthy, I have a wonderful, non care FREE. but "low care" life compared to how things were as a home owner, worrying every moment of every day about SOMETHING--be it an overgrown backyard I had to "mow" myself by ripping weeds up myself--or a chimney that needed reflashing, or whether or not a single-pane window would allow one of the monster wood spiders I saw on the front porch INTO my home. And I have built a support system of loyal friends and family who, though I must admit do occasionally disappoint me (and vice versa I'm sure), are yet another blessing in my life I could never do without. So honestly, what is there for me to lament? What complaint can I POSSIBLY have? Not much of one. Not when I could be on the street below. Sweating buckets and feeling miserably dehydrated on a day like today. I wouldn't know the first thing about how to cope with homelessness. And I NEVER stop praying for those who are. How do they get enough water? How do they get enough food? Band Aids for Heaven's sake? Clothing, shelter...what do they DO? A friend of mine and I were recently discussing this very thing, particularly in my little corner of the city. There is a large, brick and mortar homeless shelter nearby, and indeed another like it very close! But I have seen emergency service vehicles (police car, EMT, fire truck) every single night this summer, and sometimes several times a day. We decided those places must not have reliable means of cooling their many residents. I can't imagine! Hundreds of bodies, hundreds of people breathing their moist, hot breath into the crowded air. And maybe one or two window air conditioning units per floor. No wonder they have all had so many problems:( Those poor people. And again I sit back and pray a thank you, drink some water and and close my eyes. I don't even need to be afraid for my safety, whereas I am sure if circumstances were just a little bit different, my every waking moment would be spent in fear. I have enough anxiety about the future as it is! I've lost countless hours of sleep contemplating a multitude of nameless, faceless, indescribable "what ifs" about a future I can't even begin to fathom. And sometimes I wonder if that is worse than having to be afraid in the present. But that seems like such a privileged assumption. Of course it's NOT. Of course it's better to know that for the moment, and for the foreseeable future, I'm safe and comfortable. Come what may. Earlier I had the "privilege" of paying my rent on time and in full. It was indeed high, and for a moment I was very sad to see such a large chunk of my bank balance disappear so quickly. But then I reminded myself what it means. It means I'm here. I'm safe. I have everything I need and everything I want, for another month. And for that I am eternally grateful. How can I look at the blessings I'm surrounded with every day and NOT be impressed with myself--even just a little--for getting this far? I don't know what's coming; I can't, and I'm not SUPPOSED to know that. But for the moment, I have absolutely nothing I wish I could change, and that is a miracle.