Deep Thoughts and Deep Breaths

Hello Lovelies! It's the last gasp of warm weather, and I've been so busy trying to get things done today (despite my overwhelming urge to procrastinate chores)--I completely forgot to get THIS done! Silly me. Speaking of chores, we're all having trouble with staying on top of those. There is so much support for the idea that they are futile and won't matter in the long run and WHY EVEN BOTHER??? This past week I have struggled with so much apathy and depression, I doubt I've been out of my comfiest, sleepiest clothes for more than half an hour at a time:( I've spoken to an older woman who is CLEARLY suffering from the same cabin fever/shut-in-fection, though she won't admit it. And it has gotten me to do some serious thinking. Seriously. Her comments to me, the way she phrased them, and the way she took our conversation down a dark path it did NOT need to go down, all belie that she is suffering intensely inside. The loneliness for her must be absolutely crushing--though personally I know that at least some of it is self-imposed exile, maybe even so she can use it to her advantage and play the victim of circumstance. Even so, I can't help but feel sorry for this woman or others like her. None of us really believed those dire predictions that a Pandemic was coming. At least I sure don't think so. I know I didn't. I trusted in our institutions at the time, as I'm sure a lot of us did--or at least preferred to, rather than distrust them and believe this country was headed for disaster. The thing I never saw coming was that ALL our institutions would combine in a toxic soup of conflicting opinions and absolutes to create a situation that does indeed look terribly, terribly insurmountable. And the situation, combined with isolation, and yes, being somewhat at the mercy of depleted resources--puts us all in a very dark state of mind these days if we let it. If we let it. I know that once in a while my stress and anxiety threaten to creep in and crush me absolutely. And there are lonely moments (usually in the dark of night) when i would almost welcome said crushing:( But amazingly, lovelies, I went off my anti-anxiety meds in May, and I have not felt the urge to go back on them for more than a minute since then. At first I was a little worried that the absence of regulators would cause my anxiety to return 150-fold. But that hasn't happened, because if all this time to myself has taught me one thing, it's how to fill a void. And the void left by my medication has been filled with lots of coping mechanisms. Yoga, meditation, breathing exercises, very light sleep aids, floating in anti-gravity 'bathtub' of salt water that melts my cares away; all have become my helpers. And just recently I've started smoking one cigarillo a month. Sometimes more often, but mostly not. I do not need to add a nicotene addiction to my list of challenges! But it does calm me down at my worst moments. I think that was the original intention for smoking anything--ceremony or to clear away the darkness. I say that because if I discipline myself to wait until only my worst moments to smoke--it works like a charm. Last month I smoked them too closely together; two in a week I think. The coughing fit that resulted wasn't bad by any means, but it scared me. I've always been scared of ruining my lungs. Luckily, amazing, yet another perk of the Pandemic solved that issue for me as well. Early on in Lockdown--before Michigan had even been allowed to simply quarantine, a church friend scared the bejezus out of me by pointing out that people with Cerebral Palsy have diminished lung capacity. Then I started thinking how my voice is very quiet, how I get winded easily, and how many serious operations I've had and--EEK almost stayed in bed for the next month or so:( But then I got myself together and realized that there was an option for me. I share it here because every hospital I've ever been too is stingy with lung-capacity aapparati. They won't even tell you what it's called unless you ask for it. So you have to know it's there, which I did only BECAUSE they used to give it to me when I was in a hospital bed for weeks at a time. My friends--an INCENTIVE SPIROMETER. It's a plastic box with a tube coming out that looks like a toy. Three different colored balls are in different sections of the bottom. Flip it over and bite the mouthpiece at the end of the tube. Then blow as hard as you can with your lips pursed and your cheeks tight like you're playing a woodwind instrument. It becomes a game of getting the ping-pong balls to float to the top of the box with the power of your breath! Your lungs will thank you! Mine did. No more coughing fits since. You know what else? Discipline helps invisible disabilities like depression and anxiety a LOT as well. It gives me a sense of purpose, allows me and my scatter-brain to formulate and concentrate on executing a plan, and it feels amazing to accomplish something. So maybe it's taken two years and a lot of trial and error, but here I am, doing pretty well in spite of myself. I know there are a number of us out there who fight daily battles with the doldrums and even our darkest fears. The only good thing Covid Time has done for me is reinforce the idea that NO MATTER WHAT there is a silver lining. Every dilemma has its compensation, and every challenge is also a lesson.