Not Broken

Hello Lovelies!

Just wanted to share how nice I've felt lately. It has been a revelation, discovering through multiple reels and posts and comments that I've been wrong about myself all along. I grew up thinking that because I get quiet in social situations, or because I hyper-fixate on different things all the time that consume my attention until I gradually wean myself off of them, there was something seriously wrong with me. I thought my inability to connect with people or make eye contact during small talk that I would die alone. And I had almost become comfortable with this. I was ready to accept it. Alone.

How amazing it has been to see that "wrong" was entirely wrong. Thinking there was something fundamentally "unfixable" about me, resigning myself to eternal solitude to avoid the pain of stares and misunderstanding and ignorance did not have to be my fate. I didn't have to feel like I was too much for this world. Somebody out there is willing to accept that challenge--even a bunch of "somebodies". I can't even fully articulate how much that means to me. Or how much it means that this year finally feels like I'm alive for the first time. Making my own choices, living for myself.

Until now, the wounds of my struggles have been gaping and festering; I thought they were impossible to close. I thought it was useless even to try:( But I was wrong about that too! All I had to do was try, and the Universe would meet me half way. The friends and fellow sufferers I've always craved were always there. My efforts at self-improvement were all that was needed to make them pop up at last:)

And of course there are moments when it's not perfect and I question everything. It happens all the time, honestly. After almost every social situation I'm in, even if I put myself in that situation, I need at least a day to recover. Sleeping on my couch or in bed. Processing and recharging just to make myself 50% for the next interaction. But happily, those moments of debilitating "recovery" (aka being a recluse) are less and less frequent. I've figured out how to work within my brokenness to find contentment again. And this is the most incredible revelation I could have asked for.

Just before the Pandemic and Amazon swallowed up my favorite online small business, I managed to buy a mug that is now a treasure:) It's become kind of a mantra--"whatever my lot He compels me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul."