Melancholy Musings...
It's been such a long time since I updated, and I've missed a few concerned loved one's phone calls, so let me fill you all in.
I'm doing better. It still hurts, and I'm still sad a lot; I seem to be stuck in a rut of not really wanting to accomplish anything. The same thing happened when my dad died; I really didn't want to succeed at anything because I couldn't share it with him. How would I know if he was proud of me? How would I know if I was doing the right things? With Mikel gone, it's very much the same; I don't have his eyes on me, shining with the pride they feel. I don't have his smile or his hugs to tell me I'm doing a good job, so I'm having a little trouble digging myself out of the hole that grief has buried me in. But I'm getting there.
I have lots to do constantly, thanks to two wonderful dogs and a wonderful house that is still being worked on. The changes being made aren't for Mikel's convenience any more though, they're just to make me more comfortable, and in my soul I believe that's what my man would have wanted. He'd be absolutely fine with it. His main concern was always my happiness.
And I continue to find little reminders of our brief, brilliant happiness. This lazy Sunday I'm wearing pajama pants and a tee shirt of his left behind that is one of my favorites. Soft as a cloud (and green of course!) it says "Dublin your luck". I love it:) It's the perfect testament to Mikel's constant joy every day; he never saw the sadness in anything, didn't even want to know about it in Ireland (a country rife with sadness throughout its history); he just liked the play on words and the fact that it was his favorite color:)
This afternoon I even indulged in a nap--a very rare thing these days--with my newest little dog who is the light of my life. He even stayed at the foot of my bed so I could snuggle up to one of Mikel's pillows. His smell is gone from it, but the smell of the pillow itself still reminds me of Mikel, and how he loved unusual things--like a completely collapsible pillow that molded around his head and supported his neck.
Days like this are very rare; they make me feel like everything will work out eventually, somehow. After such a horrible blow as losing the person that made me happier than I have ever been...I feel like someday I will be happy again.
I'm doing better. It still hurts, and I'm still sad a lot; I seem to be stuck in a rut of not really wanting to accomplish anything. The same thing happened when my dad died; I really didn't want to succeed at anything because I couldn't share it with him. How would I know if he was proud of me? How would I know if I was doing the right things? With Mikel gone, it's very much the same; I don't have his eyes on me, shining with the pride they feel. I don't have his smile or his hugs to tell me I'm doing a good job, so I'm having a little trouble digging myself out of the hole that grief has buried me in. But I'm getting there.
I have lots to do constantly, thanks to two wonderful dogs and a wonderful house that is still being worked on. The changes being made aren't for Mikel's convenience any more though, they're just to make me more comfortable, and in my soul I believe that's what my man would have wanted. He'd be absolutely fine with it. His main concern was always my happiness.
And I continue to find little reminders of our brief, brilliant happiness. This lazy Sunday I'm wearing pajama pants and a tee shirt of his left behind that is one of my favorites. Soft as a cloud (and green of course!) it says "Dublin your luck". I love it:) It's the perfect testament to Mikel's constant joy every day; he never saw the sadness in anything, didn't even want to know about it in Ireland (a country rife with sadness throughout its history); he just liked the play on words and the fact that it was his favorite color:)
This afternoon I even indulged in a nap--a very rare thing these days--with my newest little dog who is the light of my life. He even stayed at the foot of my bed so I could snuggle up to one of Mikel's pillows. His smell is gone from it, but the smell of the pillow itself still reminds me of Mikel, and how he loved unusual things--like a completely collapsible pillow that molded around his head and supported his neck.
Days like this are very rare; they make me feel like everything will work out eventually, somehow. After such a horrible blow as losing the person that made me happier than I have ever been...I feel like someday I will be happy again.
Comments
love you Aim!
Always thinking of you
Nance