Grayness

Hello Lovelies! Today is horrible and rainy/cloudy, which suits my mood:( I've been think a lot about mental disability today (and every day, since May is Brain Tumor Awareness month). And I've always assumed I didn't qualify as "mentally disabled". But here's the thing--we're ALL dealing with things that sometimes make us FEEL disabled. In my quest to find something I'm good at, I've failed at so many things, so many times, that I've all but told myself to forget it. The list of things I've tried and failed at is discouragingly long, and it has occurred to me that mental disability doesn't HAVE to be the label we ascribe to ourselves. It is possible that certain things are just not for us. For example, I would be pretty useless at a job with an deviating schedule, even if I was the one who chose the hours! I'm not sure I'd be able to "maintain" at a position that was constantly in flux. But I still don't think that qualifies me as "challenged." Although maybe it does...as a kid, all the way from childhood to graduation I was told my physical disability was the ONLY reason I was in a "special class" for the mentally challenged. And yet looking back on it...what were they thinking? Who were they kidding? Spoon-feeding me a sanitized version of why I needed extra help might have been wise when I was REALLY little. Elementary school is hard enough on kids without telling them they have more problems. But by the time I hit puberty, wouldn't one have thought I should know the truth? If I think about it too much, it infuriates me. To be the age that I am and JUST beginning to realize I've been told half-truths my whole life, not for my own good but for their comfort...it blows my mind. And although volunteering has taught me to see, objectively, just how inept I am/would be in certain areas, I've also learned from it where my strengths lie, and possibly the kind of things I need to focus on going forward. I'm nothing if not patient with myself and others with unseen disabilities. In fact I think it sets me apart from those for whom a disability has to be physical to be dealt with in others. But unfortunately, that doesn't automatically qualify me to work with the mentally challenged, I don't think. Specifically because I'm dealing with the residual effects of brain damage from being born with Hydrocephalus, then spending much of my childhood in and out of hospitals. Even some of my young adulthood was taken away, through so many brain surgeries and hospitalizations I've lost count. And there again, some people number THEIR procedures in the hundreds; is it just because of brain damage that I can't? So in conclusion...Disability has shades of gray.