Resolution

Been a long time! And winter has returned:*( The joy of a pretty mild Christmas and a decent New Year's Eve are now just memories...and I didn't make it to Bible study this morning, but that's NOT for lack of effort. Somehow I woke up with enough time to dress and prepare, despite being up much later than I should have been last night. But I still missed the early bus to a connection that WOULD have gotten me to the church on time. I'm really much more upset about it than I thought I'd be...I really wanted to go this week. I suppose if all goes well there's always next week, but that seems like a weak consolation. What about now? What about today? As the song goes..."what if you're makin' me more than I was meant to be?" Well, that might just be my answer. Sometimes despite my best efforts, I can't escape myself. I can't move with the lightning speed I see so many others around me employ:) I've got my walker, which is hard to push in the snow, and is more often than not loaded up with one thing or another that will help me wherever I'm going--like today it was my Bible study materials in a briefcase. And part of my disappointment with myself is the reason WHY I stayed up so late. The night started nicely with a double feature of movies I've been excited to see. Then I stayed up far too late having dinner and talking. Maybe that should be my BIGGEST resolution in 2017, one that I must strive harder than ever before NOT to break; stop being so self-indulgent. Lord knows it's the easiest thing in the world to do, and I could make every excuse why I of all people deserve it. But is that enough? I'm 35 years old; every sunrise brings me closer to "elderly." The Trump-erable future is looking increasingly dreadful and I'm fearful every day that the life I've counted on to help me survive will come to end--or that it already has. Maybe it's just a matter of time before I really see it. Ho hum. I could go on and on about what this world might be coming to. I could talk a blue streak about the unfairness of this world and what it's like for the marginalized, which I realize more and more I certainly am. Society HAS to muscle somebody out, and the Disabled are easy targets. Maybe in a hundred years we'll be seen as just like everybody else. But this is a pipe dream. My life time certainly will not see improvement of our situation, I don't think. What can we do? When the world refuses to shovel side walks in the winter or talk to us on the bus, and bus drivers look us up and down like we might be "faking" as we board--how can we fight? The world would rather we just stay home. Now I understand why so many of my fellow riders look defeated. I understand how the world has beaten them down. You can't escape yourself. I can't live a life of excuses. As difficult as the struggle may be, and has been my whole life, maybe the answer is there IS no answer: I just have to keep fighting.