A Traumatic Discussion

Lovelies! Let us examine another source of our divergence or disability--something that makes it harder to face this world that was not meant for us. It's also something that the majority of Americans have dealt with at least once in their lives, and that's not counting the incidences of long-term (complex) PTSD that can mess us up for life, constantly resurfacing in different ways we don't notice. According to https://www.ahchealthenews.com/2018/11/29/70-percent-of-u-s-adults-experience-this-at-least-once-in-their-life/, these "reactions" can be the developement of COPD, heart-disease, high-blood pressure and cancer. I wasn't aware of ANY of this! But how much sense does it make--I mean--SERIOUSLY? The stories most of us have grown up with are "hopeless alcoholics" or drug abusers who have buried their own trauma under years and years of self-destructive behavior to escape their emotions after a traumatic event, or to provide a little relief from a chaotic, traumatic lifestyle. I've only just made the connection between a traumatic event and unending physical difficulties. These are the people that I meet, sympathize with, and care about. These are MY people out there, living daily lives with "broken" bodies--like me--all because of what they once experienced that broke them:( I would add to that list of self-destructive coping mechanisms disregulation. This is a new word to me--which you'll know if you follow my blog with regularity (chuckle) meaning nothing is set. No patterns, practices, habits, etc...follow a routine because somewhere down the line, they got derailed and forgotten. As an example, I can't make anything "stick." Except that I stay up late and sleep in very late every single day. Even though I KNOW inside that this is harmful and counter-productive, I cannot break myself of the habit. It's been lifelong. As is my trauma. Talking about what hurt us isn't something the traumatized like to do. For the longest time I did NOT. I kept that childhood of hospital visits and pain that no one that young should have to feel--entirely to myself. The images and loneliness were just a part of me I thought, and mine alone to bear. This also meant internalizing and piling on any other hurt I experienced from an ignorant world--even family. This of course only led to more trauma and less regulation. This all became part of an open wound I carried most of my life. Luckily I'm working through it finally and things are changing. But it's hard to get other people to admit anything about a hurt they've experienced; it's like getting a Veteran to willingly recount war stories. A lot of them will not, and this is entirely understandable. Once the traumatized open up a little though, you can see how what they experienced changed them. You can see the changed behaviors, the distancing, and the fear that reverberates. The changes led to harmful reactions and feeling unworthy. I have never felt worthy of anything I really wanted. Beccause I wasn't like everyone else, and until recently, that has always felt like a deficit. It's personally heartbreaking to see the broken in others. Perhaps it's the focusing on my own healing that has equipped me to better see and feel the pain that others experience. If I can "go there" and address my own trauma in therapy or other healthy ways, I'm more able to reach them where they are, and see the things they're seeing, which in turn makes me more able to love and help them by equating my own pain to theirs. I've flipped the script on reactions.