Broken Lives Matter

Hello Lovelies! Just sharing something cute I found. I didn't become the happy face realizing that trauma rewires your brain until much later in my healing journey. I hope that this finds someone who hasn't realized it yet, but is now that much closer--at a much younger age:) https://www.facebook.com/reel/969370487663776

Hello Lovelies! On the way out the door, ready for the impending holiday and looking forward to the many happy days of celebration to come. Since it has been a long time, once again, I wanted to send us all on our happy way with a wonderful bit of inspiration. I have always loved watching ballet, though physical grace of my own--is elusive:) Maybe that's why I DO love it. Watching the video below, I am reminded how I use my own arms for whatever grace and balance I can muster:) So the strength in this beautiful lady's legs must be impressive, to keep her so perfectly balanced and on pointe at all time. The use of the "e" at the end of point was very intentional, by the way. Also, notice how she stands even pre-show, in an elegant 3rd Position with one foot flat in front of the other, ready to dance.

Hello Lovelies! This entry is also about an image, but there's more to it than that. The picture I chose is of a wheelchair-bound concert goer with an intense expression but obviously challenged by CP or maybe something else--having a great time. He AND his wheelchair are being hoisted above the crowd to do a little surfing:) The caption reads: "Also Heavy Metal Hard Rock." As in, there are no requirements to what celebrating the music looks like. As in life, there are no requirements for the "right" anything. It is what it is. I've seen this meme before--may even have posted it here once. But I will never stop loving it, nor will it ever stop being relevant. I commented on the post: "there is so much heart in metal." As in life, there are those who look like everyone else at the concert and rock out in their own ways, and there are those who break the mold but are lifted up.

Hello Lovelies! Here we are again after just one day:) I decided not to allow myself another long time-lapse before adding content, an I really enjoyed this young lady's take on her own challenges. Very self-aware. I know I was certainly not that poised when I was younger! My generation (at least from my perspective) was all doing the best it could, but struggling to grip the walls of the slippery under-ground river of life we navigated. That was my impression, anyway! And I found it most relatable how "Actually Izzy" has trouble reading tone. Myself I find it hard to "stay with" jokes. Not so much that I miss the point, just that I kind of dissasociate. I assume that the sarcasm applied is rhetorical, as if it WOULD be hilarious, IF it happened, but not that it has. Thus, I miss out on a lot of punchlines. I assume they either don't apply to my current situation, or the joke actually being told, or that they have come at the wrong time in the story. En...

Hello Lovelies! I know it's been a while...AGAIN. But I have my reasons. Healing AND finding a recognizable version of myself is a messy business. And I have to do it all while remembering not to expect too much of my balance, trying to maintain flexibility in my joints (ever tight now that the weather is colder, so I have to stretch more often), and maneuvering my walker through a world that isn't always built for it, meaning I have to work harder, which is exhausting. I also have to try to keep my energy up when most of the time my sleep schedule is hopelessly inverted, because darn it, I hate going to bed where it's dark and lonely. All this to say I know we've all got our struggles; I'm not trying to diminish anyone else's. In fact, I recently came across a visual representation of "the struggle" as I see it, that says to ME that the problem is even bigger than I imagine, that every single one of us doing the internal work to become aware of our...

Hello Lovelies! Along the lines of this "not all disabilities are visible" track I've been on lately, I've blogged about a number of fascinating mental/psychological/emotional challenges people face in this world--and I've learned a TON! Or as the subject of the following video might put it because David Gray-Hammond is British, I've learned LOADS:) Unfortunately I couldn't find this man's precise location, and I'm just assuming based on his accent that he IS from the Isles, so it's possible, in the interest of full disclosure, that I am wrong:) But I'm going to proceed for the purposes of this entry as if Gray-Hammond is British. That is said with all love and respect; no matter the speaker or his location, it's the message that matters, and this guy is being tremendously brave an vulnerable putting himself and his own perspective out into the universe for dissection. And there will be dissection here, but it will also be with love an...

Hello Lovelies! I don't know if any of you have seen the movie "Me Before You" from 2016, but I wanted to talk about it. Personally, I have mixed feelings about the premise. Sam Claflin's character in the movie has only become wheelchair-bound and paralyzed "recently" in the movie. I'm thinking that makes the disability and his immobility more digestable for general audiences, butI do have problems with it. For one thing, why not portray an individual who's had to deal with life in an inaccessible world his whole life? Why is it so much "kinder" to have an injury or illness to blame for disability? Does EVERYTHING have to have a reason? A "palettable" reason? Which leads me neatly into the second issue I take with this movie, that the paralyzed man falls for his able-bodied caretaker. Yes it's probably very likely that the guy needing help would develop feelings for the girl who cares for him. God knows my own fiance was a p...

Hello Lovelies! Today I wanted to share a little personal glimpse. This is from about...a week ago maybe? And it involves a couple little boys who visit my neighborhood often to see THEIR family, and who I've seen before. It was still in my neighborhood but it was under different circumstances, and I wasn't alone then, which would have been nice in this situation as well. It's handy to be able to stay quiet in a conversation that makes you uncomfortable, and just allow the other person to answer all the questions you don't know how to answer off-hand. Alas, as functioning "adults" in the world today we can't always be accompanied in every instance, can we? Sometimes we just have to "boss up" and handle our own business all by ourselves--yea though it isn't easy:) So I was out talking to my neighbor briefly; I had dashed outside to avoid missing him, which I always seem to do, and I didn't miss him! In fact, we had just finished our co...

Hello Lovelies! It's not exactly gentle, but it is the reminder we all sometimes need. Particularly those of us struggling in silence, fighting battles we never hint at, feeling like a failure every single day...ahem. The takeaway for all of us is wonderful news--we're not failures! Most often, the struggle is not our fault. We've been dealt a hand and we must play it. I enjoy this image because it is as blaring as some of my own demons and self-doubt over things I didn't ask for and challenges nobody prepared me for.

Hi Lovelies! I can't believe it's been a week since I wrote. It's been busy, but let me also say that I've been struggling to get over depression. Life gets heavy quickly when you're doing everything yourself. But I am still here. Still getting content, trying to work through it. Below is a clip from 3 years ago (by his timeline, but new to me) from Chris Morton. Have I shared him here? I can't believe I haven't--if I haven't. He's amazing. The first man with a hearing impairment to walk across the U.S on his own. And as if that weren't inspiring enough, he heavily documented all of his trials and triumphs; before, during, and after. This one is somehow among my favorites. For all its tragic beauty, it is relateable. When I broke a bone in my hand, though it is a comparitively small break, because I too am labeled a "fall riak", I was given a huge, puffy cast of fiberglass wrapped multipe times in an ACE bandage. And although Chris...

Hello Lovelies! This warmed my cold-weather-come-early heart. The wind outside is blustery, it's basically been raining for the last two days, but this made all of that go away. I love how in response to his brother's question of what the sheet is, Gabe replies like a Minion from the animated movies--and you totally understand him, the same way those little yellow dudes are understandable:) "Mucomb" could easily be "costume", right? You get it. Which gives me new appreciation for "Minions" movies both standalone and otherwise, in terms of representation. They show people who think that vocal expression can only be one way--that there are other ways. You don't have to understand the words to know what they're saying. Such a simple thing, but look how it affects us! And representation isn't the only good thing about Minions. They are presented as workers, with purpose and drive and things to contribute. Such is ANY disabled person, ...

This just spoke to me. Not that I'm about to be a doctor or a nurse (of which I am privileged to know a few), but because of my recent post stating this very thing, that I am broken, and how we can heal each other.

Hello Lovelies! Back safely from my quick trip to visit family and make memories. The trip itself was shortened, but extremely sweet. I spent a lot of time with all my favorite people, and then the crawling trip BACK was also enjoyable! This is a bit of a surprise, considering it started with a 5:30 AM wake-up, continued with a 5-hour layover, and ended with an arrival home at exactly Midnight. I want to share this happy post from Facebook as encouragement. Prior to my adventure I had felt lost, searching for myself and kind of just stumbling around in my little circle of the world flirting with everyone and trying to find wholeness from the distinct disadvantage-point (is that a word?) of a traumatized adult with large, barely closed emotional scars. This meme assured me that I'm exactly where and in the condition I need to be. I am not, in fact, AT a disadvantage at all:)

Hello Lovelies! Sharing some deep thoughts from a much better poet than I currently am:) Though back in my glory days I was quite a skilled composer of word symphonies, in the intervening years between then and now the skill has fallen from my grace. Not to mention that it can be so difficult to define preccisely what motivates or doesn't motivate us. I like the following poem because it strikes a particular chord; I frequently pare down my explanations to make them more palettable to other people--what I call "sensitive audiences." People who don't know how to relate to my reasons because they can not relate. But if I know my lovelies, you know me, and no further explanation is needed:)

Update on MY mental health status: all better! I made it out west and life is pure joy. Seeing family, having fun, learning new stuff! Indeed I did a momentary search for a song called "Happy", thinking Pharell Williams' famous incarnation is all that would come up, and I got THIS new-to-me hit. Isn't it amazing what music will do for one's soul? Have a lovely day, lovelies!

Missed the train; it was a soul-crushing disaster. Rescheduled and there was an upcharge, but whatever. I want to get away and see the peope who love me.

Hello Lovelies, I'm not running out the door, as I thought, just yet. All day yesterday I thought it was a day later! So it turns out I've got another day to capture my thoughts on digital paper, as it were, and I thought I'd continue the slightly sad track I've been on lately. Maybe this is just to get it out of my system before the adventure and thrill of an all-day train trip and a week in the embrace of my family. I look forward to that with breathless excitement, and I'm deep in the process of getting my house ready for another long absence, the likes of which only July knows:) Before I head out, I have some processing to do, and it has to do with loss. Particularly the exquisite loss of the unnamed--what am I mourning? Why do I miss what I can't define? Why does it hurt so much? I've had so much experience with loss in the last 20 decades. First was my dear dad, then the man I told myself "Dad" had picked out for me to marry and cherish u...

Hello Lovelies! I thought I'd share the very coolest thing I've seen recently, this time to do with our friend Molly Burke and her physical challenges. The lady is certainly living her life to the fullest, and enjoying every second of what it has to offer! In the process she's teaching all of us, including me, an I thought I'd pass it along. Just look at her joy! It's amazing to see. And such a delight, as an art-lover myself, to know that she has this available. https://www.facebook.com/reel/214935851358826 A little online investigating, and I wasn't able to find the name of the exact gallery, but I found that immersive galleries are a huge thing right now, particularly in the bigger cities. My own medium-sized town had the Van Gogh exhibit not long ago. I had the chance to go but it was on a day much windier even than this, and it can be quite a challenge to navigate the walker through wind. I often feel like I'm fighting for an inch of purchase on th...

Lovelies, I'm broken. Every day is a fight against myself standing in my own way. At 40-freaking-One, here I sit and struggle to get through every day, scared to death. And this fear makes me broken. Afraid of failure, but VERY afraid of success. What would I DO with success?! How would I handle it if things suddenly WORKED OUT? Very little in my life to this point has ever worked out. I've gotten used to keeping my head down and striving only for the finish line, not to make a splash while I'm striving. And therein lies the rub. If I don't get out of my own way, I never WILL succeed. But I will also never be happy, yea though I completely expect to fail:( The trick of it is to get comfortable taking risks, like I did in 2020 when I moved. That was the last BIG risk I've taken, and the time since has absolutely flown. But I've felt absolutely stagnant:( Enclosed is a video addressing some of this fear--the feeling of inadequacy, the negative self-talk that p...

Hello Lovelies! This weekend's weather has been amazing, though for me there have been waves of sadness. There have also been pools of joy! One of them is this beautiful video of (an attractive) man signing the first few lines of "If You Could Only See" by the band Tonic. This song was somewhat of a cult favorite in its day, so you'd be forgiven for being unable to place it:) For ME though? I was a huge Tonic fan, and this song was in heavy rotation at all the hockey games for the home team, which in my case played just across the river from this band's hometown, in Canada! There was nothing like hearing it in a sports arena, and watching this guy's movements and emotion while signing is ALSO a sigular experience. How beautiful. https://www.facebook.com/reel/520838176916239