Broken Lives Matter

My book is frustrating me at the moment! I've been writing for an hour, and I haven't added anything; I'm just editing, trying to make it all flow reasonably together, which is a disaster. There's so much to tell, and yet so much I don't think I need to tell, and there's always the little editor in my head telling me "don't add this, elaborate on that ," and it's driving me insane! Still, it's wonderful to have a concrete project to be working on again, and this time it's really something meaningful. Thank goodness I have this story, and thank goodness it happened to me, otherwise I would have gone on forever writing little fiction pieces that never got published, living at the government's mercy, thinking that was all I was good for. I just have to keep reminding myself tenaciously that I am strong enough to write my story; it's not going to kill me to put it all together and relive the hard parts. It might hurt a littl...

By 9:00 this morning I was so glad it was Sunday. The smoke detector from my basement with a 10 year lithium battery posted on it, had actually survived three years past its life expectancy. As my house used to be a rental, then vacant, then a HUD house just waiting for somebody to care about it again, this small favor is definitely miraculous. On Friday, unfortunately, it had just about reached the end of its life and began "chirping" its swan song. This high-pitched intermittent beeping could be heard all through the house, and was giving me a headache and making the dogs even jumpier than usual. So I removed it with surprising ease from its mount in the basement and thought I did the right thing to disable it so the chirping would cease. Apparently not. It continued to chirp for 24 hours. Yoshi could hear it chirping alongside its silent "cousin" in a plastic bag I'd hung from the inside garage door knob, and refused to go outside through that door to...

Well, I have always said I like New Year's Eve the best for surprises, and even last night it didn't disappoint me:) First, a friend and I threw together plans to finally see Les Miserables together, and it was spectacular! All of Charles Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities came back to me, as its details of the French Revolution were amazingly well reproduced in the movie. We were both so enthralled with the story, I think, and so blown away by the acting, that neither of us shed a tear during most of the heart-wrenching scenes. I even managed to have just "welled eyes" during "I Dreamed a Dream" and "On My Own." Then, just like in A Tale of Two Cities , the ending consumed me. We were both in pieces by the time the credits rolled. I felt like I could have been wailing...but I saved the other movie-goers from that spectacle:) Turns out I wasn't the only one to have that reaction to Les Mis , as comments on Facebook reassured me, so I fee...

Had a very nice Yule yesterday, where I did everything I could think of that would have made the celebration special for both me and Mikel. I'd been saving a thick beef sirloin steak in the freezer that I defrosted in the fridge for a few days and was perfectly ready for dinner. While I was lying in bed, having some down time and feeling rather depressed for about an hour--it came to me how I could make the steak even more special; wrap it in bacon! So for our dinner feast I had bacon-wrapped steak, mushrooms, and green beans all sauteed in the same oil as I used to cook the steak:) I outdid myself in the kitchen, and didn't even have a lot to clean up afterwards! To make it even special for my dogs, I poured a little pre-made store-bought gravy onto their dinners and wished them both "good yule." They were very happy:) Now I have another celebration to look forward to, at home. My mother's picking me up shortly and I'll be off to spend six days in the em...

http://youtu.be/1AkUWbQmB7I As a follow-up proof of my point, look at this musical tribute to the victims! Simple, yet heart-wrenching; "Hallelujah" makes me sob on the most benign days. Today as I watched this clip I was in pieces before the second verse. But afterwards, I felt better. A good cry and the right words--especially the right words--brings everything back into a less-painful place, it's music to my soul.

Most of the shock from yesterday's school massacre has worn off. Twenty small children killed along with six adults for no reason in Connecticut--I wouldn't say I'm over the pain, but I've put it into a file cabinet along with all the other causes of my pain. I'll dredge it back up some day when I need a good cry...with the way things have been going lately, I won't need to make myself cry for a while. I keep going back to the new version of "Les Miserables" that is due out on Christmas day. It looks pretty impressive, to be sure, but the main thing I think about is how timely the lyrics are, even as it's set during the French Revolution, and the story itself was written years and years ago. I never noticed this before; I always used to think it was just a story about life during a war. There's "I Dreamed a Dream," which slips neatly into our contemporary society as well as it does into the world of the musical. It's all ab...

Escrow is going to pay my Winter Tax Bill:) Of course my mother had told me that would happen, but it was nice to hear it confirmed by my mortgage lender. Now I can breathe! I was absolutely panicking months ago, worrying about how in the wild blue blazes I was going to come up with the same amount of money that was billed in July. Escrow is the gift that keeps on giving! In fact there are so many, many gifts that have come from out of nowhere this season. I received the "informative copy" of the actual tax bill and discovered that even if I had had to pay it this month, I would have been able to. I've rekindled a friendship with the neighbors across the street. I thought they'd isolated themselves and were avoiding me for some reason; I hadn't seen them around their house in weeks. But the other night I brought them a tin of Christmas cookies and visited with them in their warm, cozy living room that had brilliant fire. They've just been visiting family...

Back home in Grand Rapids! The Thanksgiving tradition is sufficiently honored in the home of Anderson/Cypert/Molineaux:) And on the way home, Mom and I stopped for a little more "retail therapy" to prepare for the "most important" holiday that is to come. But aren't they all important? Once we'd loaded up on lights and decorations, it was back to the house to put up the outdoor lights:) Isn't it funny how your tastes can do a complete turn around as you "grow up"? When I was younger I scoffed at the idea of big bulbs--even on outdoor lights. It was little imported Italian lights or nothing, and they must be multicolored, not white. Today is proof that I am no longer that little kid who pouts at the sight of bulky white lights strung outside her house:) I proudly display a 35 foot string of glittering white, bulky "diamond cut" lights:under the front eaves on my porch. A wreath from the local market is soon to follow, I hope...

I bet it's curious for some who have followed this blog to see that most of the pages describing the details of the wedding--location, baker, attendants, etc...are all still up, despite the fact that there never was a wedding. And there could never be one. Maybe it's even stranger that I haven't changed the blog title...I"m certainly no longer having a Celtic wedding, no matter how small or splendid. And even if nobody has been wondering, it has struck me every time, and I've often thought maybe I should change the title, or at least take down some pages. But everyone and every detail is still a part of my life. I still keep in touch with everyone, and the things that were going to make it special were part of me and my groom--we wanted to make it as memorable and elegant as possible. After some reflection on the fact that it was going to be on a Wednesday, and knowing that the ballroom at St. Cecelia's is a beautiful space with big windows and a gleamin...

Over a week of getting up early and having productive days! I hope I don't jinx it by "saying that out loud"; tomorrow is (finally) Saturday. But there are a lot of things I'd like to get done when my Mom comes to visit. For some reason it's never stuck with me when I've watched others replace my thermostat filter. I bought a new one the other day that I'm going to insist we put in my place tomorrow! But it might also rain, so we'll have to spend all of our time in doors. We usually do anyway, shopping and going out to lunch, so that won't be too hard. Today on the other hand is brilliant , and wouldn't you know I have to call Medicare? That means God knows how long on the phone, waiting and then trying to make the disembodied voices understand me. It's not always easy; they have always helped me, but sometimes I've had to be speak--er--rather deliberately to them. That's been happening more often than usual lately, and I'...

President Obama is back. Many of those angry and disenchanted now were just as hopeful and ebullient as those of us who voted for him this year, four years ago! It frustrates me to no end that such a large number of people are so disappointed; what has failed? But I will not go into a political rant; that was for every day until today. All I know is I drank a little vodka last night to ease myself into sleep, woke up and my first thought when I turned on the TV was "we won , Baby!" I was so excited I almost shrieked! And maybe it is naive. Or maybe I'm being hopelessly optimistic about a future that is doomed to fail. I do not see it that way. I prefer to think good things will happen, to look at the future as if it will extend far beyond December, 2012, and hope that from here, things can only improve, now that the combat of election season is over. And why shouldn't I? Really, there is no reason to worry. When it comes down to it, America is about Americans-- ...

What I happily called "my wedding week" this time last year is coming to an end. It's been a sometimes-miserable, sometimes-joyous, frequently-stressed-with-a-number-of-happy-moments-sprinkled-in kind of week. I was surprised and elated to discover that there exists a copy of the Deed for my house specifically denoting the transfer of home ownership to me in the event of Mikel's death. The city of Grand Rapids, who sent the letter, proceeded to tell me to buy a certified copy of the Deed, but I'm not sure I need to. I got one, obviously, when we closed on the house. Maybe there's an even more official option I could pay to have sent to me, and I gladly will, as soon as my bank account allows:) There are a number of bills due in the coming weeks that will likewise have to wait; they are staring at me from the kitchen table every moment of the day! I'm trying not to be too concerned about that though. The money will come. If not, I'll figure someth...

I was going to wait until Wednesday to write a big, sweeping entry about my thoughts on being a "nearly wed." But this morning it finally occurred to me that if I wait all that time, my thoughts will pile up, and I'll miss out on adding to this blog, which has really been a great experience. This weekend has been unusually busy for me-- but in a good way. Friday I surprised myself with my energy and resourcefulness, preparing for a Halloween party nearby. Starting the day before , I realized that I didn't have a hostess gift. I know the "rules" of party-going have changed, and usually people just show up , and that's more than okay. I was prepared to do that too, of course. But then I waxed nostalgic for just a minute, remembering a time when people treated being invited to some one's house as an honor , and sincerely wanted to thank them for their hospitality. With this in mind, I browsed a nearby store, and after much deliberation I finally s...

Last night I made a decision, and this morning I carried it through. Since my poor bank account is dismally low and could use a few "pennies from Heaven"-- literally --I'm taking the Bridal Gallery's generous owner up on her offer--I'm letting her keep the dress and getting my money back. The first time I slipped that dress over my head, I told myself I would feel like a legend if I wore it down the aisle. When I saw myself in it, I knew it was perfect for this wedding. The O'Rourke family are legend; their history goes back before King Arthur:) But the same magic may not be exactly present if I ever plan my wedding again. And this morning, a belated birthday gift from my mom--a tapestry emblazoned with the moon and named after one of my favorite Irish songs, Van Morrison's "Into the Mystic" arrived on my doorstep. The magic is still in my life--in a different form. I had a good cry (they've become something of a morning routine, but ...

Today has been another happy and sad day. There was a time, talking to Mikel's brother, when I thought "I could burst into tears standing alone in an empty room." It wouldn't have taken  any encouragement. And often I still feel like that. It's only been about two and a half months, after all. I can't believe it myself, but the inches of time that have passed actually amount to something measurable. Something new and interesting has developed. I find myself watching movies like Titanic and My Best Friend's Wedding to make myself cry...nothing else seems to do the trick:( And since sorrow is a chest-weighing, soul-crushing kind of emotion, I want to make myself cry just to get it out of me. I fall apart in the first strains of "Nearer My God to Thee," Heaven knows. And I wonder every single time I hear the Irish woman telling her  children a bedtime story about the land of Tir Na Nog of my Mikel is there...he believed in the Irish mythology ...

...and the moment is good. Just finally got back from the greatest solo adventure I've probably ever had--cross country to visit relatives I'd never met in person, sustained only by the connection I would have had to them had June 30th never happened....welcomed with open arms! The all-to-short but sweet first visit was marvelous. It's like nothing I've ever experienced up in the Midwest, or as I called it in Oklahoma, "the great white North." Disneyland is right there, and the Pacific Ocean is visible out almost every window. Each day is like a fairy tale--in October you put on your shorts or a sundress that bares your knees and wait for the heat! Back home in the October morning you put on your bathrobe and slippers, and wait for the day to grow dark again:( I came home and everything still smelled the same; my quiet, dark house was waiting patiently for me. Bursting with a million memories and stories, I begin my life which now feels much richer an...

Gotta love Patsy Cline after a long day:) There's something about all the bebop/country/classics that makes the heart happy. Especially while I'm suffering through a really allergy-miserable day when I volunteered at our would-be wedding venue. Now I know you all just braced when you heard that I was at St. Cecelia's Music Center, but don't worry; it's such a nice little building I couldn't stay away forever. And I made a point this time of not going upstairs to the Dexter Ballroom. And to my surprise all the women there knew about me (since I've already called and canceled), and offered their kind, kind condolences. I wasn't there to wallow, anyway. Since I graduated Grand Rapids has begun this extremely fun annual city-wide art awareness program for kids in school all the way up to elderly art lovers looking for something to do, called Art Prize. Saint Cecelia's was one of the several stations for visual art throughout the city displaying p...

It's been almost a week; I don't want to go ten days without writing; that's become something of a habit, and I need to nip that in the bud! These last few days have been especially hard for some reason. I keep remembering little things that didn't used to mean as much: the smell of the air now that Fall is finally inching toward us--particularly at night--the words my contractor said weeks ago running like a CD on repeat over and over again; "I miss the little guy." And imagining what it will be like to meet his friends and family in person, after almost 3 months to the day of talking on the phone or through text messages or Facebook...everything seems to be coming to a head. I had a nice talk last night with his brother in California. I always feel bad ending the conversation early; it's only dinnertime where he is. But for me, it's usually past my bedtime:) We talked for about a minute about how the trip will probably be one continuous (cheerfu...

Last night I happened to be in town for another reason, purposely lingering until dinner time. I looked and looked for a little tavern I'd heard about, hoping for a cold beer after walking around in the 80 degree heat. After about an hour (really, I held out that long), I decided to try a wonderful, relatively small place called The Bull's Head. http://thebullsheadtavern.com The outdoor sign that jutted out above my head was a little rustic, but also kind of classy, just the outline of a the head of a bull in silver against a dark backdrop. It reminded me of the old Dublin Brazen Head Pub, or the Galway King's Head Pub. Such associations just can't be ignored:) Immediately, I was a little nervous about how much this little place would cost me; white linens on the tables, cushy faux leather benches, dark wood, a little well-stocked bar, and a swanky-yet-charming staircase that led to yet more dining space. But I told myself to relax and give it a try. I even order...

Ten days since I last blogged? My how time flies. I've been so busy (or lethargic), everything is just a blur. Well, the good news is I've started getting into writing my story about me and Mikel...but I don't think it will be done any time soon. Maybe not even this year! We were together a year, and there is so much correspondence and material to go on. Just the journals I've kept and the memories that go along with them are a novel in themselves. Then there's the fact that writing everything; my sadness, my bewilderment, my shock, fury, disappointment and miniscule joys--is exhausting. I've hardly even begun the first chapter and it's almost more than I can bare. After every writing session I find myself needing to break for a day or two just to get my head back on straight:( But I do have a wonderful office. Or at least the makings of a wonderful office:) The floor is unfinished wood and the closet doors don't close properly. But I have the w...