Broken Lives Matter

I came home, that is! And actually, it's 12:30. Tonight was lovely. Beginning around 4:40, I boarded the bus and headed downtown to enjoy the city a little, for the first time in...too long. My first stop was an old favorite from before I even started attending Aquinas College. I'd struck up a casual friendship with somebody from Grand Rapids who recommended San Chez Tapas Bistro, an excellent local gem that serves Spanish small plates that are on another level of deliciousness! The first time I went there ( not with the guy) it became my favorite, and tonight gave me the perfect excuse to head back there. For a change, I ate at the bar, which was different, but fun. San Chez is right in the heart of the down town bustle that always accompanies a Thursday night. And the entire menu was available to me there, which reminded me of the time I'd come there with a big bunch of the family for my aunt's birthday. At first they weren't even sure they'd like the ...

Hello! It feels like a life time since I stopped adding to My Small Splendid Wedding. Having been to St. Cecelia's Music Center to volunteer since Micheal's death, I can say that is seems like a life time since I was planning to get married there. What a difference two years make. So many, many things have happened. I don't even know where I can begin. Life was very strange for a while. Now finally it seems to have settled into something like a normal rhythm, as winter and Micheal's favorite holiday, Christmas, approach again. I've heard many times that once you begin to look forward to the holidays again, you know the worst of your grief is over--and I do , so I think it must be. Of course I will always, always mourn him and the life we might have had together. How simple and beautiful it might have been...but that was not in the cards. One thing I've realized, somewhat grudgingly, is that much of that life would have been devoted to keepin...

It's like Spring!! Finally:) Oh how we have suffered up here in Michigan through this winter that was longer and harsher than we've had in years! I've just taken my dogs out for a little walk in the sunshine, and it was truly wonderful. This is by far my favorite season, when the sun returns and reminds that it was there all along, just at a greater distance. The arrival of the better weather has helped cheer me up, as well as put things in perspective. There was a time when I needed a crutch very badly--to get me through those two horrible weeks in the hospital when loneliness was suffocating, to keep me from completely losing my mind in the empty months following his death, to help me rebuild my self-confidence as I carried on without him. This blog filled that link, by somehow being the bridge of love between our life before and my life since July. But I believe the time it was needed has passed. One of my favorite quotes lately is "I am not afraid of storms, f...

After the last post, and really for quite a while, I've been struggling to keep motivated to write:( I'm almost ashamed to say it; writing is supposed to be the one thing I love to do most! But this endless winter and the day-to-day doldrums have taken their toll. Today, finally, the sun has been out all day, though that has done nothing for the temperature, which still hovers above truly frigid , on the line between incredibly cold and unbearable. I've decided to jot down a few things about one historic, heart-warming thing that has emerged out of all this iciness--the Catholic world has a new Pope, and I've come up with a comparison. Not being Catholic myself, and never having said a rosary or even lit a candle to send up any prayers, I'm not exactly part of what happens in their world. But I don't have any stock in the Market either, and yet when it does well, my spirits are definitely lifted. The world seems somehow more in balance, and that is exactly...

Happy birthday, honey! I never got the chance to give you the celebration you deserved--last year at this time we were moving:( Just want you to know I miss you every minute and thinking about how much I love you still brings me to tears. You were the most amazing man who had ever come into my life, and I pray you knew that. So many times I tried to tell you, but there was so much to say I couldn't get it all out right. You told me once that was hard for you too. Where ever you are, Michael...I love you so much, and I always will. The one year we had together changed me forever, and my heart will never be as full as it was with you. You would have disputed this, but I have to say God bless you, and don't ever leave me. There will be people all over this country raising a glass to you tonight; thank you for making your friends mine, even without you....they mean so much to me. I found the perfect song for us, as tough as we were and as beautiful. This one's for you!...

Today was a Red Wings hockey game on a Sunday afternoon. To my memory that has never happened before; I think it's the player's and the owner's way of making up for lost time with the Lockout that lasted until January, and making it up to the fans who had to wait all that time. Either way, today's game was a treat--and I'm sure Mikel would have at least been happy for me. Though he wasn't much of a sports fan. He was more of a geek to the core--and proud to be. I encouraged him to be; God knows I fell for him anyway--and he encouraged my love of watching hockey games. Today was a nail-biter with a dramatic finish, and I'm sure I frightened my little dogs with my celebrations at least once. They're not used to hearing me shriek happily and wave my arms in the air! But I was so consumed by the play-by-play I couldn't help myself. In the apartment, whenever there was a game last year, Mikel would tell me to order any kind of pizza I wanted and mak...

My book is frustrating me at the moment! I've been writing for an hour, and I haven't added anything; I'm just editing, trying to make it all flow reasonably together, which is a disaster. There's so much to tell, and yet so much I don't think I need to tell, and there's always the little editor in my head telling me "don't add this, elaborate on that ," and it's driving me insane! Still, it's wonderful to have a concrete project to be working on again, and this time it's really something meaningful. Thank goodness I have this story, and thank goodness it happened to me, otherwise I would have gone on forever writing little fiction pieces that never got published, living at the government's mercy, thinking that was all I was good for. I just have to keep reminding myself tenaciously that I am strong enough to write my story; it's not going to kill me to put it all together and relive the hard parts. It might hurt a littl...

By 9:00 this morning I was so glad it was Sunday. The smoke detector from my basement with a 10 year lithium battery posted on it, had actually survived three years past its life expectancy. As my house used to be a rental, then vacant, then a HUD house just waiting for somebody to care about it again, this small favor is definitely miraculous. On Friday, unfortunately, it had just about reached the end of its life and began "chirping" its swan song. This high-pitched intermittent beeping could be heard all through the house, and was giving me a headache and making the dogs even jumpier than usual. So I removed it with surprising ease from its mount in the basement and thought I did the right thing to disable it so the chirping would cease. Apparently not. It continued to chirp for 24 hours. Yoshi could hear it chirping alongside its silent "cousin" in a plastic bag I'd hung from the inside garage door knob, and refused to go outside through that door to...

Well, I have always said I like New Year's Eve the best for surprises, and even last night it didn't disappoint me:) First, a friend and I threw together plans to finally see Les Miserables together, and it was spectacular! All of Charles Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities came back to me, as its details of the French Revolution were amazingly well reproduced in the movie. We were both so enthralled with the story, I think, and so blown away by the acting, that neither of us shed a tear during most of the heart-wrenching scenes. I even managed to have just "welled eyes" during "I Dreamed a Dream" and "On My Own." Then, just like in A Tale of Two Cities , the ending consumed me. We were both in pieces by the time the credits rolled. I felt like I could have been wailing...but I saved the other movie-goers from that spectacle:) Turns out I wasn't the only one to have that reaction to Les Mis , as comments on Facebook reassured me, so I fee...

Had a very nice Yule yesterday, where I did everything I could think of that would have made the celebration special for both me and Mikel. I'd been saving a thick beef sirloin steak in the freezer that I defrosted in the fridge for a few days and was perfectly ready for dinner. While I was lying in bed, having some down time and feeling rather depressed for about an hour--it came to me how I could make the steak even more special; wrap it in bacon! So for our dinner feast I had bacon-wrapped steak, mushrooms, and green beans all sauteed in the same oil as I used to cook the steak:) I outdid myself in the kitchen, and didn't even have a lot to clean up afterwards! To make it even special for my dogs, I poured a little pre-made store-bought gravy onto their dinners and wished them both "good yule." They were very happy:) Now I have another celebration to look forward to, at home. My mother's picking me up shortly and I'll be off to spend six days in the em...

http://youtu.be/1AkUWbQmB7I As a follow-up proof of my point, look at this musical tribute to the victims! Simple, yet heart-wrenching; "Hallelujah" makes me sob on the most benign days. Today as I watched this clip I was in pieces before the second verse. But afterwards, I felt better. A good cry and the right words--especially the right words--brings everything back into a less-painful place, it's music to my soul.

Most of the shock from yesterday's school massacre has worn off. Twenty small children killed along with six adults for no reason in Connecticut--I wouldn't say I'm over the pain, but I've put it into a file cabinet along with all the other causes of my pain. I'll dredge it back up some day when I need a good cry...with the way things have been going lately, I won't need to make myself cry for a while. I keep going back to the new version of "Les Miserables" that is due out on Christmas day. It looks pretty impressive, to be sure, but the main thing I think about is how timely the lyrics are, even as it's set during the French Revolution, and the story itself was written years and years ago. I never noticed this before; I always used to think it was just a story about life during a war. There's "I Dreamed a Dream," which slips neatly into our contemporary society as well as it does into the world of the musical. It's all ab...

Escrow is going to pay my Winter Tax Bill:) Of course my mother had told me that would happen, but it was nice to hear it confirmed by my mortgage lender. Now I can breathe! I was absolutely panicking months ago, worrying about how in the wild blue blazes I was going to come up with the same amount of money that was billed in July. Escrow is the gift that keeps on giving! In fact there are so many, many gifts that have come from out of nowhere this season. I received the "informative copy" of the actual tax bill and discovered that even if I had had to pay it this month, I would have been able to. I've rekindled a friendship with the neighbors across the street. I thought they'd isolated themselves and were avoiding me for some reason; I hadn't seen them around their house in weeks. But the other night I brought them a tin of Christmas cookies and visited with them in their warm, cozy living room that had brilliant fire. They've just been visiting family...

Back home in Grand Rapids! The Thanksgiving tradition is sufficiently honored in the home of Anderson/Cypert/Molineaux:) And on the way home, Mom and I stopped for a little more "retail therapy" to prepare for the "most important" holiday that is to come. But aren't they all important? Once we'd loaded up on lights and decorations, it was back to the house to put up the outdoor lights:) Isn't it funny how your tastes can do a complete turn around as you "grow up"? When I was younger I scoffed at the idea of big bulbs--even on outdoor lights. It was little imported Italian lights or nothing, and they must be multicolored, not white. Today is proof that I am no longer that little kid who pouts at the sight of bulky white lights strung outside her house:) I proudly display a 35 foot string of glittering white, bulky "diamond cut" lights:under the front eaves on my porch. A wreath from the local market is soon to follow, I hope...

I bet it's curious for some who have followed this blog to see that most of the pages describing the details of the wedding--location, baker, attendants, etc...are all still up, despite the fact that there never was a wedding. And there could never be one. Maybe it's even stranger that I haven't changed the blog title...I"m certainly no longer having a Celtic wedding, no matter how small or splendid. And even if nobody has been wondering, it has struck me every time, and I've often thought maybe I should change the title, or at least take down some pages. But everyone and every detail is still a part of my life. I still keep in touch with everyone, and the things that were going to make it special were part of me and my groom--we wanted to make it as memorable and elegant as possible. After some reflection on the fact that it was going to be on a Wednesday, and knowing that the ballroom at St. Cecelia's is a beautiful space with big windows and a gleamin...

Over a week of getting up early and having productive days! I hope I don't jinx it by "saying that out loud"; tomorrow is (finally) Saturday. But there are a lot of things I'd like to get done when my Mom comes to visit. For some reason it's never stuck with me when I've watched others replace my thermostat filter. I bought a new one the other day that I'm going to insist we put in my place tomorrow! But it might also rain, so we'll have to spend all of our time in doors. We usually do anyway, shopping and going out to lunch, so that won't be too hard. Today on the other hand is brilliant , and wouldn't you know I have to call Medicare? That means God knows how long on the phone, waiting and then trying to make the disembodied voices understand me. It's not always easy; they have always helped me, but sometimes I've had to be speak--er--rather deliberately to them. That's been happening more often than usual lately, and I'...

President Obama is back. Many of those angry and disenchanted now were just as hopeful and ebullient as those of us who voted for him this year, four years ago! It frustrates me to no end that such a large number of people are so disappointed; what has failed? But I will not go into a political rant; that was for every day until today. All I know is I drank a little vodka last night to ease myself into sleep, woke up and my first thought when I turned on the TV was "we won , Baby!" I was so excited I almost shrieked! And maybe it is naive. Or maybe I'm being hopelessly optimistic about a future that is doomed to fail. I do not see it that way. I prefer to think good things will happen, to look at the future as if it will extend far beyond December, 2012, and hope that from here, things can only improve, now that the combat of election season is over. And why shouldn't I? Really, there is no reason to worry. When it comes down to it, America is about Americans-- ...

What I happily called "my wedding week" this time last year is coming to an end. It's been a sometimes-miserable, sometimes-joyous, frequently-stressed-with-a-number-of-happy-moments-sprinkled-in kind of week. I was surprised and elated to discover that there exists a copy of the Deed for my house specifically denoting the transfer of home ownership to me in the event of Mikel's death. The city of Grand Rapids, who sent the letter, proceeded to tell me to buy a certified copy of the Deed, but I'm not sure I need to. I got one, obviously, when we closed on the house. Maybe there's an even more official option I could pay to have sent to me, and I gladly will, as soon as my bank account allows:) There are a number of bills due in the coming weeks that will likewise have to wait; they are staring at me from the kitchen table every moment of the day! I'm trying not to be too concerned about that though. The money will come. If not, I'll figure someth...

I was going to wait until Wednesday to write a big, sweeping entry about my thoughts on being a "nearly wed." But this morning it finally occurred to me that if I wait all that time, my thoughts will pile up, and I'll miss out on adding to this blog, which has really been a great experience. This weekend has been unusually busy for me-- but in a good way. Friday I surprised myself with my energy and resourcefulness, preparing for a Halloween party nearby. Starting the day before , I realized that I didn't have a hostess gift. I know the "rules" of party-going have changed, and usually people just show up , and that's more than okay. I was prepared to do that too, of course. But then I waxed nostalgic for just a minute, remembering a time when people treated being invited to some one's house as an honor , and sincerely wanted to thank them for their hospitality. With this in mind, I browsed a nearby store, and after much deliberation I finally s...

Last night I made a decision, and this morning I carried it through. Since my poor bank account is dismally low and could use a few "pennies from Heaven"-- literally --I'm taking the Bridal Gallery's generous owner up on her offer--I'm letting her keep the dress and getting my money back. The first time I slipped that dress over my head, I told myself I would feel like a legend if I wore it down the aisle. When I saw myself in it, I knew it was perfect for this wedding. The O'Rourke family are legend; their history goes back before King Arthur:) But the same magic may not be exactly present if I ever plan my wedding again. And this morning, a belated birthday gift from my mom--a tapestry emblazoned with the moon and named after one of my favorite Irish songs, Van Morrison's "Into the Mystic" arrived on my doorstep. The magic is still in my life--in a different form. I had a good cry (they've become something of a morning routine, but ...