Broken Lives Matter

Yes it's been a long time, but there's good reason for that. I've been increasingly discouraged and disheartened in my attempts to make any headway with Congress, let alone the Federal Government. I could almost hear the people who answered my calls to my congressional rep. laughing at me when they hung up the phone. And it comes down to this. I don't pay very much taxes. I pay local/State taxes but because I am for all intents and purposes a ward of the United States, I don't give my Federal pound of flesh, as it were. So in their eyes, I don't matter. They probably WERE chuckling, and who could blame them? When all is said and done, I can't get married or move forward with my life unless I give up my livelihood. Infuriating. Not for the first time, I find myself screaming "who are they?!" "How can they tell me that unless I contribute financially, I don't deserve to contribute at all?" I have to ask myself some big, terrifying qu...

While house sitting last week, because I don't drive and entertainment options were limited, I watched a LOT of TV. The following clip is one inspiring example of exactly the point I stress when calling my congressman's office. Just change "marijuana" to "marriage laws for SSDI recipients" and the same holds true; the restrictions are out dated; they have not evolved with the times. Therefore, as with so many patients who really need marijuana to treat conditions nothing else will treat-- like severe epilepsy and migraines-- SSDI recipients can not get married and expect to keep their benefits, despite the modern economy's absolute need for each individual to contribute financially in a marriage. I add that the Constitution of the United States is clearly a living document that DOES grow and change with the society that surrounds it. There is the Abolition of Slavery, the 18th Amendment addressing women's suffrage when it had become an undeniable...

This draft was just waiting for me, as if when I began this post without finishing it, somehow I knew...I'd be back:) Certainly didn't foresee my entry coming in the sleepless, predawn hours of March, having just started a load of laundry and anticipating another "throw away day" of mislaid "best laid plans." It's like that Langston Hughes poem with me; "A Dream Deferred." Indeed, "what happens to a dream deferred?/Does it dry up?...or does it explode?" There was a time when I absolutely reveled in the language of the Harlem Renaissance. During my college years I took a night course in African American Literature and curled up inside the language to dream:) Alas for me I feel like that was another life and some one else. Now it's just me writing a blog before the sun rises. Waxing quite poetic, if I do say myself! But deep inside I know that nothing lasts forever; I'm going to lose this touch of inspiration in a minute--for...

There are moments throughout my week that inspire me. Even though this "fight" to change the marriage laws for SSDI recipients feels like running to the end of a rubber band, only to be shot back to where I started, over and over again, there ARE hopeful moments. Yesterday my day started at the Urban Institute for Contemporary Arts with coffee, pastry, and camaraderie among fellow members as we were led through a private tour of an exhibition celebrating black history. There were certainly some pieces of art, and some elements of the expression, that made me uncomfortable. The charming, pastel-colored, painting of hooded members of the Ku Klux Klan around the hanging body of a dangling black child--was meant to jar me. And so it did. More than any of the other items I saw. But it was astonishing how much I could say about every single thing. And that was thrilling to me. Of course that led to making some fascinating new friends--finding something of a kindred spirit in our...

Scary, but exciting:) I finally called my local congressional representative's office and let them know about this issue I'm so passionate about, and got the ball bouncing, if not rolling smoothly just yet! You know, one of my favorite quotes is "the shortest answer is doing." I've been so stuck in a rut lately and very unhappy with my life; I felt like nothing would ever change, and there was nothing I could do. Turns out there's always SOMETHING I can do! And even if this is just a baby little stutter step, at least it's a step. I feel renewed; I should have done this a long time ago! But I had to be feeling this down and depressed about myself to feel motivated to step out of my comfort zone. Upheaval is certainly not the goal for my life; since when is tumult a good thing? But a little shake up now and then is definitely needed; it restarts the spirit's entire process, and somehow encourages you. To be sure, I WILL be calling tomorrow. I've h...

A few days ago I had a revelation. While the concept of a marriage has always been a social construct, a partnership leaves it entirely to the couple to decide the terms of their relationship. In other words, before the State butted in, once upon a time people were joined by love. Bursting with this new thought, I've done some research. I found an article listing in detail all the things that have traditionally defined marriages, and how over time that has evolved. They've gone from being almost exclusively arranged unions to purely convenience couplings, to being about how each person feels about each other, with the State being more or less an after thought. Having been the maid of honor at my sister's wedding, I can tell you the extent of the State's involvement was a piece of paper declaring my sister's name change, essentially, and the rest of the time I stood beside her at the head of the aisle, gave a speech, and bore more witness to the love in their heart...

Before the entire world, one man swore to uphold the rights and responsibilities of the Constitution of the United States of America as its president. NOW, he is systematically tearing ALL of that down. Closing boarders, refusing entry into the US from every country EXCEPT those where he maintains a business relationship despite its obvious and flagrant conflict of interest with his Office. People have told him he can not legally, ethically or constitutionally do something, and he just thumbs his nose at them! He turns his back and does whatever he pleases, no matter what the consequences. How can a man like THIS be allowed to hold the office of the Presidency? I didn't start this blog thinking politically; I had no intention of spewing my beliefs as a Democrat when I started "My Re-Imagined Life." But how can I ignore this? In just two short days, the baby son of my twin sister and her husband is due to light this world. How can I sit idly by, imagining the joy he...

Hello Blog, Well the bulk of the interim between last entry and this have been consumed by a monster cold or virus or something, that has completely negated my sleep patterns and made it impossible for me to get much of anything useful done:( Honestly, the laundry's piling up, and the things I plan to fill every day with either get pushed to the next day and the next day until they are finally accomplished or, as in the case of a few monthly meetings, I skip all together to avoid going out in this weather and possibly making myself even worse. I hate it when I get like this! But other than forcing myself to get showered and perfumed and dressed every day, I'm not sure what else I can do. Waiting for the spring to return to my step has also given me time to think about my whole letter writing campaign. I'm starting to think it's a waste of energy to write and send letters, particularly to all 14 congressmen and women in the state. I've heard from a few sources tha...

Well, it looks like I'm going to have to start digging. Just spoke to a local advocacy group and they were very sympathetic, but unable to provide much in the way of legal help:( They, like I, didn't even really know where to start a project like mine. Changing the laws? Well, we've all got to roll up our sleeves and get dirty for some reason. Some people devote their energies to marriage and family, which unfortunately I can't legally do unless I want to be rid of the money I use to survive. How this is conducive to a happy, healthy, productive society I can only guess:) It's about time somebody said something about it, in my opinion. Clearly no one else has. I hate to think of "my people" as living their lives as victims, but when the government of your country itself is "othering" you, making you not the same as everyone else in the country just so they can put limits on your behavior, I'm sure it's easy enough to feel victimized. ...

Finally I have found one specific part of life as a disabled female to point at and say without doubt or shame: that is NOT fair. As the Social Security law stands right now, I would lose the type of assistance I get...if I got married! It's just ludicrous. And at 35, time's a-wastin' if you know what I mean! I'm ready to be in a committed relationship without any fear, and I would like to know I have the freedom to do so. So, for the first time, on a friend's suggestion, I've written my congressional representatives. Well actually all of them. There are fourteen! I intend to send my letter to each of them. And I intend to send more. This is a very specific issue in a very sensitive time, when I believe very strongly that if nobody says anything now, nothing will ever improve--and might even get worse--for disabled Americans. Particularly women, as they are the only ones who would suffer the loss of their benefits by losing their single status. Are we just su...

Been a long time! And winter has returned:*( The joy of a pretty mild Christmas and a decent New Year's Eve are now just memories...and I didn't make it to Bible study this morning, but that's NOT for lack of effort. Somehow I woke up with enough time to dress and prepare, despite being up much later than I should have been last night. But I still missed the early bus to a connection that WOULD have gotten me to the church on time. I'm really much more upset about it than I thought I'd be...I really wanted to go this week. I suppose if all goes well there's always next week, but that seems like a weak consolation. What about now? What about today? As the song goes..."what if you're makin' me more than I was meant to be?" Well, that might just be my answer. Sometimes despite my best efforts, I can't escape myself. I can't move with the lightning speed I see so many others around me employ:) I've got my walker, which is hard to p...

Okay, now I'm just blowing off a little pre-Christmas steam:( Online arguments are stupid. They solve absolutely nothing, because it's too easy for EITHER party to misinterpret what the other party says and be hurt and say "I'm offended by that!" Then the argument ruins everyone's day, and it's just an infantile disagreement based on misunderstanding. Nothing is accomplished that way. Also, when I was walking to a local restaurant to see a jazz musician play, I was fielding off "how you doin'"s left and right. It seemed like all the way there, for no reason that I can imagine, people on the street wanted to impede my progress by chatting:( Talk about a holiday downer. But the defining moment of this tirade came as I was heading home, just at the corner across from my building, which is where a lot of the things happen to me, to be honest. It's mostly just concerning silly drunk men calling me pretty, or having to walk past some one li...

A few years ago, my extremely wise grandmother (who I don't consider "wrong" about almost anything) observed that there haven't been any real Christmas "classics" out for decades. A few years ago, she was certainly right about that! But that all changed last year, when the song "Mary Did You Know", and particularly this performance of it, burst into the public consciousness. I would say that THIS is what a new classic looks like, and it's taken me a while to realize that. It bares no resemblance whatsoever to "White Christmas," or even "All I Want For Christmas". But in a world spinning out of control this holiday season, with consumerism combined with political anxiety and varying opinions on public policy and outlooks that often look staggeringly dire...at last we have a restful, peaceful, reflective moment: I hope you all enjoy, and take as much hope from this single spectacle of love and beauty in a crazy world as ...

Hello! We meet again, at last. After the crushing loss of my sweet, irreplaceable soul mate Michael O' Rourke in 2012 (June 30th at 2:10 in the afternoon; I just happened to look down at my phone the moment the doctors must have 'called' his death, 'cause it's on his death certificate), I stopped writing. It felt for all the world like words had left me. My heart was shattered, my soul was shattered. I felt like I would never write another creative word...and for almost five years, I've been able to ignore the pain of writing's absence from my life. Amazingly, through many, many lonely and sad nights, then a series of profound events that have reshaped me almost from scratch...I've found myself longing to write again; it's always been a part of me. At this point, although I would dearly love to be able to make a living at this comfortable habit, I've accepted that this honestly is a daunting prospect. After all this time and all that has happe...

Can you believe this winter? It's interminable! The ice and snow just keep coming...and of course there's no end in sight:( Even the Olympics in Sochi, Russia are now over. No Nancy Karigans or bombings ala Munich--although the press certainly raised the public's concerns about the possibility of something happening to protest Sochi's stance on gays. Now what is there to look forward to? Winter, winter everywhere:( The calendar might say it'll be over in a month or so, but from where I sit in the Midwest, that's a laugh. I thank my lucky stars that I was finally able to get the shoddy floor in my kitchen re-covered with vynyl this weekend. At LEAST I have that. But there's precious little else to pin my optimism on these days. Then again, I'm probably just having a "low moment", and things will all look better in the morning. Today has been pretty long and tiresome for a Sunday. I enjoyed church this morning; I'd probably be much more ...

Window is leaking:( So far it's just one, and I'm thrilled that it's not more and it's not the one right by the head of my bed! But it represents another problem I'm going to have to solve in this solidly--but rather shoddily--built old house. And it's not even that old, by "house" standards. It was built around 1950, which means it falls into the "modern" category of construction. However, there were clearly some corners cut over the years, which I am now having to deal with! The house also stood vacant for a number of years, which means God only knows what "evils" befell it at the hands of people with nowhere else to go and nothing to lose:( Fortunately, my home owner's insurance should cover the cost of repairing the roof to handle the snow melt that is seeping down through the window frame and causing the problem. And before that, an employee of the construction company who are already replacing my windows is going to ...

This morning, it is my exciting life I'm sharing the news about--not just business as usual:) First, in the perfect example of life coming full circle, my sister and her fiance have set a date for their wedding, and I'm an honorary maid of honor! The title is honorary only because there is some geological distance between us...but she's got local bridesmaids to help her keep her head together in Chicago. Because of my physical (and let's face it, financial) limitations, I can't hop on a train west every time Betsy needs me--no matter how much I would love the luxury! I'm just the contact person for the other bridesmaids if they need advice on Betsy. Although as former room mates of hers I think they're probably as much of an authority on the subject as I am! Still, it's thrilling to be included, however small the role. And I'm completely ecstatic about the idea of the late-summer wedding--the skeletal details of which were shared last night. ...

Hi Everybody! Snow and unbelievable cold has the entire Midwest and most of the country in its clutches this week. But most of you probably know that:) Myself, I haven't left the house since Friday or Saturday, when I made my own "walker path" through the ice and snow on the side walk to get some leafy greens at the market. Sometimes, in this weather especially, you just need that. And I've kept the heat steadily up in the house. My energy and electricity bills will surely suffer a little blow this season, but I'm thankful I have the option of turning up the heat. I can not fathom what it must be like for everybody without a home, or without heat , this year. It's been absolutely insane.But the dogs and I are coping. Gone are the days of being able to turn off my heat entirely when I went to bed, certainly! I turn it down , but often leave the electric fireplace going in my room for several hours. I love a good shower, or soak in the tub, and I am mai...

Last year at this time I barely even noticed the weather, but it felt like the end of the world. Now, with this insane ice storm and the snow it might be the end of the world, but I don't notice it! Surrounded by a house whose light bulbs have pretty much all decided to fail me at once, and the ever-present reminder that the walls of my little house desperately need to be finished and painted, I feel completely at home. I have a beautiful Christmas tree, my dogs, the friendly Internet that houses my growing network of Facebook friends and family, and plenty outdoors to keep me busy as well, knocking ice off the ramp and its railings that just refuses to be jarred from its spot. Plus I just sprinkled the remaining half jar of cashews (Michael's favorite nut) onto the icy, snowy front yard. I've noticed more squirrels around today than usual, and I'm sure they'll appreciate the feast. Too many cashews give me terrible stomach pains any way, so the little woodla...

Well! I've been so busy I haven't even thought to add to my lovely blog:( I'll try not to let it happen again. So today's latest news is that the couple I thought was going to be renting my garage for a discounted rate and keeping the driveway clear--has fallen through. What is it about people letting you down? He told me to ask him again in the summer, but I asked him in the summer about the winter and he just placated me, saying "I might take you up on that...". So I don't think I'll be asking him again.Do I make it look that easy to be me? A little extra income would have helped tremendously this season:( And shoveling my driveway--while I can manage it now--will very soon be nearly impossible. Thank goodness for true friends. Almost the instant I got in from shoveling (begrudgingly, cursing those with snow blowers the whole time), I called my friend the manager at the local market. "What can I help you with today young lady?" h...