Broken Lives Matter

Before the entire world, one man swore to uphold the rights and responsibilities of the Constitution of the United States of America as its president. NOW, he is systematically tearing ALL of that down. Closing boarders, refusing entry into the US from every country EXCEPT those where he maintains a business relationship despite its obvious and flagrant conflict of interest with his Office. People have told him he can not legally, ethically or constitutionally do something, and he just thumbs his nose at them! He turns his back and does whatever he pleases, no matter what the consequences. How can a man like THIS be allowed to hold the office of the Presidency? I didn't start this blog thinking politically; I had no intention of spewing my beliefs as a Democrat when I started "My Re-Imagined Life." But how can I ignore this? In just two short days, the baby son of my twin sister and her husband is due to light this world. How can I sit idly by, imagining the joy he...

Hello Blog, Well the bulk of the interim between last entry and this have been consumed by a monster cold or virus or something, that has completely negated my sleep patterns and made it impossible for me to get much of anything useful done:( Honestly, the laundry's piling up, and the things I plan to fill every day with either get pushed to the next day and the next day until they are finally accomplished or, as in the case of a few monthly meetings, I skip all together to avoid going out in this weather and possibly making myself even worse. I hate it when I get like this! But other than forcing myself to get showered and perfumed and dressed every day, I'm not sure what else I can do. Waiting for the spring to return to my step has also given me time to think about my whole letter writing campaign. I'm starting to think it's a waste of energy to write and send letters, particularly to all 14 congressmen and women in the state. I've heard from a few sources tha...

Well, it looks like I'm going to have to start digging. Just spoke to a local advocacy group and they were very sympathetic, but unable to provide much in the way of legal help:( They, like I, didn't even really know where to start a project like mine. Changing the laws? Well, we've all got to roll up our sleeves and get dirty for some reason. Some people devote their energies to marriage and family, which unfortunately I can't legally do unless I want to be rid of the money I use to survive. How this is conducive to a happy, healthy, productive society I can only guess:) It's about time somebody said something about it, in my opinion. Clearly no one else has. I hate to think of "my people" as living their lives as victims, but when the government of your country itself is "othering" you, making you not the same as everyone else in the country just so they can put limits on your behavior, I'm sure it's easy enough to feel victimized. ...

Finally I have found one specific part of life as a disabled female to point at and say without doubt or shame: that is NOT fair. As the Social Security law stands right now, I would lose the type of assistance I get...if I got married! It's just ludicrous. And at 35, time's a-wastin' if you know what I mean! I'm ready to be in a committed relationship without any fear, and I would like to know I have the freedom to do so. So, for the first time, on a friend's suggestion, I've written my congressional representatives. Well actually all of them. There are fourteen! I intend to send my letter to each of them. And I intend to send more. This is a very specific issue in a very sensitive time, when I believe very strongly that if nobody says anything now, nothing will ever improve--and might even get worse--for disabled Americans. Particularly women, as they are the only ones who would suffer the loss of their benefits by losing their single status. Are we just su...

Been a long time! And winter has returned:*( The joy of a pretty mild Christmas and a decent New Year's Eve are now just memories...and I didn't make it to Bible study this morning, but that's NOT for lack of effort. Somehow I woke up with enough time to dress and prepare, despite being up much later than I should have been last night. But I still missed the early bus to a connection that WOULD have gotten me to the church on time. I'm really much more upset about it than I thought I'd be...I really wanted to go this week. I suppose if all goes well there's always next week, but that seems like a weak consolation. What about now? What about today? As the song goes..."what if you're makin' me more than I was meant to be?" Well, that might just be my answer. Sometimes despite my best efforts, I can't escape myself. I can't move with the lightning speed I see so many others around me employ:) I've got my walker, which is hard to p...

Okay, now I'm just blowing off a little pre-Christmas steam:( Online arguments are stupid. They solve absolutely nothing, because it's too easy for EITHER party to misinterpret what the other party says and be hurt and say "I'm offended by that!" Then the argument ruins everyone's day, and it's just an infantile disagreement based on misunderstanding. Nothing is accomplished that way. Also, when I was walking to a local restaurant to see a jazz musician play, I was fielding off "how you doin'"s left and right. It seemed like all the way there, for no reason that I can imagine, people on the street wanted to impede my progress by chatting:( Talk about a holiday downer. But the defining moment of this tirade came as I was heading home, just at the corner across from my building, which is where a lot of the things happen to me, to be honest. It's mostly just concerning silly drunk men calling me pretty, or having to walk past some one li...

A few years ago, my extremely wise grandmother (who I don't consider "wrong" about almost anything) observed that there haven't been any real Christmas "classics" out for decades. A few years ago, she was certainly right about that! But that all changed last year, when the song "Mary Did You Know", and particularly this performance of it, burst into the public consciousness. I would say that THIS is what a new classic looks like, and it's taken me a while to realize that. It bares no resemblance whatsoever to "White Christmas," or even "All I Want For Christmas". But in a world spinning out of control this holiday season, with consumerism combined with political anxiety and varying opinions on public policy and outlooks that often look staggeringly dire...at last we have a restful, peaceful, reflective moment: I hope you all enjoy, and take as much hope from this single spectacle of love and beauty in a crazy world as ...

Hello! We meet again, at last. After the crushing loss of my sweet, irreplaceable soul mate Michael O' Rourke in 2012 (June 30th at 2:10 in the afternoon; I just happened to look down at my phone the moment the doctors must have 'called' his death, 'cause it's on his death certificate), I stopped writing. It felt for all the world like words had left me. My heart was shattered, my soul was shattered. I felt like I would never write another creative word...and for almost five years, I've been able to ignore the pain of writing's absence from my life. Amazingly, through many, many lonely and sad nights, then a series of profound events that have reshaped me almost from scratch...I've found myself longing to write again; it's always been a part of me. At this point, although I would dearly love to be able to make a living at this comfortable habit, I've accepted that this honestly is a daunting prospect. After all this time and all that has happe...

Can you believe this winter? It's interminable! The ice and snow just keep coming...and of course there's no end in sight:( Even the Olympics in Sochi, Russia are now over. No Nancy Karigans or bombings ala Munich--although the press certainly raised the public's concerns about the possibility of something happening to protest Sochi's stance on gays. Now what is there to look forward to? Winter, winter everywhere:( The calendar might say it'll be over in a month or so, but from where I sit in the Midwest, that's a laugh. I thank my lucky stars that I was finally able to get the shoddy floor in my kitchen re-covered with vynyl this weekend. At LEAST I have that. But there's precious little else to pin my optimism on these days. Then again, I'm probably just having a "low moment", and things will all look better in the morning. Today has been pretty long and tiresome for a Sunday. I enjoyed church this morning; I'd probably be much more ...

Window is leaking:( So far it's just one, and I'm thrilled that it's not more and it's not the one right by the head of my bed! But it represents another problem I'm going to have to solve in this solidly--but rather shoddily--built old house. And it's not even that old, by "house" standards. It was built around 1950, which means it falls into the "modern" category of construction. However, there were clearly some corners cut over the years, which I am now having to deal with! The house also stood vacant for a number of years, which means God only knows what "evils" befell it at the hands of people with nowhere else to go and nothing to lose:( Fortunately, my home owner's insurance should cover the cost of repairing the roof to handle the snow melt that is seeping down through the window frame and causing the problem. And before that, an employee of the construction company who are already replacing my windows is going to ...

This morning, it is my exciting life I'm sharing the news about--not just business as usual:) First, in the perfect example of life coming full circle, my sister and her fiance have set a date for their wedding, and I'm an honorary maid of honor! The title is honorary only because there is some geological distance between us...but she's got local bridesmaids to help her keep her head together in Chicago. Because of my physical (and let's face it, financial) limitations, I can't hop on a train west every time Betsy needs me--no matter how much I would love the luxury! I'm just the contact person for the other bridesmaids if they need advice on Betsy. Although as former room mates of hers I think they're probably as much of an authority on the subject as I am! Still, it's thrilling to be included, however small the role. And I'm completely ecstatic about the idea of the late-summer wedding--the skeletal details of which were shared last night. ...

Hi Everybody! Snow and unbelievable cold has the entire Midwest and most of the country in its clutches this week. But most of you probably know that:) Myself, I haven't left the house since Friday or Saturday, when I made my own "walker path" through the ice and snow on the side walk to get some leafy greens at the market. Sometimes, in this weather especially, you just need that. And I've kept the heat steadily up in the house. My energy and electricity bills will surely suffer a little blow this season, but I'm thankful I have the option of turning up the heat. I can not fathom what it must be like for everybody without a home, or without heat , this year. It's been absolutely insane.But the dogs and I are coping. Gone are the days of being able to turn off my heat entirely when I went to bed, certainly! I turn it down , but often leave the electric fireplace going in my room for several hours. I love a good shower, or soak in the tub, and I am mai...

Last year at this time I barely even noticed the weather, but it felt like the end of the world. Now, with this insane ice storm and the snow it might be the end of the world, but I don't notice it! Surrounded by a house whose light bulbs have pretty much all decided to fail me at once, and the ever-present reminder that the walls of my little house desperately need to be finished and painted, I feel completely at home. I have a beautiful Christmas tree, my dogs, the friendly Internet that houses my growing network of Facebook friends and family, and plenty outdoors to keep me busy as well, knocking ice off the ramp and its railings that just refuses to be jarred from its spot. Plus I just sprinkled the remaining half jar of cashews (Michael's favorite nut) onto the icy, snowy front yard. I've noticed more squirrels around today than usual, and I'm sure they'll appreciate the feast. Too many cashews give me terrible stomach pains any way, so the little woodla...

Well! I've been so busy I haven't even thought to add to my lovely blog:( I'll try not to let it happen again. So today's latest news is that the couple I thought was going to be renting my garage for a discounted rate and keeping the driveway clear--has fallen through. What is it about people letting you down? He told me to ask him again in the summer, but I asked him in the summer about the winter and he just placated me, saying "I might take you up on that...". So I don't think I'll be asking him again.Do I make it look that easy to be me? A little extra income would have helped tremendously this season:( And shoveling my driveway--while I can manage it now--will very soon be nearly impossible. Thank goodness for true friends. Almost the instant I got in from shoveling (begrudgingly, cursing those with snow blowers the whole time), I called my friend the manager at the local market. "What can I help you with today young lady?" h...

I came home, that is! And actually, it's 12:30. Tonight was lovely. Beginning around 4:40, I boarded the bus and headed downtown to enjoy the city a little, for the first time in...too long. My first stop was an old favorite from before I even started attending Aquinas College. I'd struck up a casual friendship with somebody from Grand Rapids who recommended San Chez Tapas Bistro, an excellent local gem that serves Spanish small plates that are on another level of deliciousness! The first time I went there ( not with the guy) it became my favorite, and tonight gave me the perfect excuse to head back there. For a change, I ate at the bar, which was different, but fun. San Chez is right in the heart of the down town bustle that always accompanies a Thursday night. And the entire menu was available to me there, which reminded me of the time I'd come there with a big bunch of the family for my aunt's birthday. At first they weren't even sure they'd like the ...

Hello! It feels like a life time since I stopped adding to My Small Splendid Wedding. Having been to St. Cecelia's Music Center to volunteer since Micheal's death, I can say that is seems like a life time since I was planning to get married there. What a difference two years make. So many, many things have happened. I don't even know where I can begin. Life was very strange for a while. Now finally it seems to have settled into something like a normal rhythm, as winter and Micheal's favorite holiday, Christmas, approach again. I've heard many times that once you begin to look forward to the holidays again, you know the worst of your grief is over--and I do , so I think it must be. Of course I will always, always mourn him and the life we might have had together. How simple and beautiful it might have been...but that was not in the cards. One thing I've realized, somewhat grudgingly, is that much of that life would have been devoted to keepin...

It's like Spring!! Finally:) Oh how we have suffered up here in Michigan through this winter that was longer and harsher than we've had in years! I've just taken my dogs out for a little walk in the sunshine, and it was truly wonderful. This is by far my favorite season, when the sun returns and reminds that it was there all along, just at a greater distance. The arrival of the better weather has helped cheer me up, as well as put things in perspective. There was a time when I needed a crutch very badly--to get me through those two horrible weeks in the hospital when loneliness was suffocating, to keep me from completely losing my mind in the empty months following his death, to help me rebuild my self-confidence as I carried on without him. This blog filled that link, by somehow being the bridge of love between our life before and my life since July. But I believe the time it was needed has passed. One of my favorite quotes lately is "I am not afraid of storms, f...

After the last post, and really for quite a while, I've been struggling to keep motivated to write:( I'm almost ashamed to say it; writing is supposed to be the one thing I love to do most! But this endless winter and the day-to-day doldrums have taken their toll. Today, finally, the sun has been out all day, though that has done nothing for the temperature, which still hovers above truly frigid , on the line between incredibly cold and unbearable. I've decided to jot down a few things about one historic, heart-warming thing that has emerged out of all this iciness--the Catholic world has a new Pope, and I've come up with a comparison. Not being Catholic myself, and never having said a rosary or even lit a candle to send up any prayers, I'm not exactly part of what happens in their world. But I don't have any stock in the Market either, and yet when it does well, my spirits are definitely lifted. The world seems somehow more in balance, and that is exactly...

Happy birthday, honey! I never got the chance to give you the celebration you deserved--last year at this time we were moving:( Just want you to know I miss you every minute and thinking about how much I love you still brings me to tears. You were the most amazing man who had ever come into my life, and I pray you knew that. So many times I tried to tell you, but there was so much to say I couldn't get it all out right. You told me once that was hard for you too. Where ever you are, Michael...I love you so much, and I always will. The one year we had together changed me forever, and my heart will never be as full as it was with you. You would have disputed this, but I have to say God bless you, and don't ever leave me. There will be people all over this country raising a glass to you tonight; thank you for making your friends mine, even without you....they mean so much to me. I found the perfect song for us, as tough as we were and as beautiful. This one's for you!...

Today was a Red Wings hockey game on a Sunday afternoon. To my memory that has never happened before; I think it's the player's and the owner's way of making up for lost time with the Lockout that lasted until January, and making it up to the fans who had to wait all that time. Either way, today's game was a treat--and I'm sure Mikel would have at least been happy for me. Though he wasn't much of a sports fan. He was more of a geek to the core--and proud to be. I encouraged him to be; God knows I fell for him anyway--and he encouraged my love of watching hockey games. Today was a nail-biter with a dramatic finish, and I'm sure I frightened my little dogs with my celebrations at least once. They're not used to hearing me shriek happily and wave my arms in the air! But I was so consumed by the play-by-play I couldn't help myself. In the apartment, whenever there was a game last year, Mikel would tell me to order any kind of pizza I wanted and mak...